merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

no updates for a while :D

for those who hates sasuke so much...

for those who hates sasuke... watch this! listen to the song and who knows, maybe you'll like sasuke like i do! :D

cutest little darlings!

i have always love dogs specially puppies! why did God made pets anyway? dogs, cats... whatever... i guess it's to keep us company, to talk to when no one else would listen, to love and take care, to have some company when we're alone and simply to make us smile even through the worst times... why this? here's some pics that i simply find adorable beyond words!











tell me these pics didn't make you fawn all over them or simply make you smile! oh well, nothing really, just want to share the joy of looking at these wonderful offsprings of nature... i wonder how long will it take for us humans to recognize their worth? i mean, some humans tend to treat these animals badly, saying that they are just animals... well, they have feelings too... if you cut thru them, do they not also bleed? anyway, these darling little puppies can make anyone swoon over them, right?

the reason for this entry, Christmas is approaching... and i want a puppy!!!

Christmas countdown

it's less than a month, a week, 5 days til Christmas... just like when i was a little kid, i look forward to this Christmas because of all the presents i expect and want to receive. but this Christmas, i have grown... as you can say, i have a grown-up Christmas list. i don't know if it's the effect of college or just the mere fact that i really have grown-up, maybe not over night but quite quickly than i have expected actually.

how can i say that i have matured? well, my wishlist, even though it still has those anime stuff included and some material things, is more... expensive. being a kid, i only wished and hoped to receive some Christmas cards, stuffed toys, pens... and i got disappointed to receive cash, bags or even food! imagine, me! getting upset in receiving cash!!! that must have been so sad... anyway, now, i long to receive it! ok, greediness level so high now!! anyway, i still love the thoughts of receiving stuffed toys anyway... actually, anything will do right now, as long as i know that the peson who gave it means a lot... whether it's in the form of store bought things, home baked muffins or a simple hug... actually, i prefer the last one. a simple hug, something sentimental, from the heart and simply long lasting for my memory!

i gave away myself this Christmas, and it's rare for me to do that. i tied a ribbon around me, and gave myself to Tanya! love ya Tanya! i bet you guys thought of someone else, right?! haha! i would have given myself to that person if i know that he will appreciate it... although i didn't give myself to him, he still took my heart and kept it for himself. aw...

last night, i was talking to some friends of mine about what i wanted to do when i found out that i flunk... i wanted to commit suicide, run away, and just give up. nobody cared about the last two choices... but they really lectured me about the first option, suicide... they told me that it would be very dumb and stupid of me if i did that... i knew that, that's why i didn't do it for the thousandth time that i have thought about it. when i was a little kid, i planned my life out. and the plan was to lie down on my bed on my 18th birthday and die there... thinking about no one else but myself... not thinking about the possible people who might cry... not thinking about the pain some may feel because of my selfishness... i guess i'm dumb that way... so dumb... well, during my 18th birthday, i really didn't lie down on my bed at exactly 6 pm... in fact, i was spending some time with my dad and my brother at a restauraant, pigging out like we usually do!

why then did my plan from when i was a kid subsided? i mean, most of my plans came to be... why not that one? it's not because it's impossible or even hard to attain... it's because i found someone who makes my life worth living... that's sappy!!! oh well, but that's the truth... i found someone who can make my life easier and more enjoyable... someone who makes my life really worth living til the very end... of course, that someone is not alone... i have my friends who supports me all the way thru everything! who am i kidding, everyone i know is so important to me right now that even the thought of death scares the hell out of me! and of course, i know that someone will be very sad if i died... so then, i wouldn't do that even if i said it over and over again, don't worry, sometimes i'm just in a phase...

life sucks...

life sucks... big time!

here's the deal, i know i deserve to pass engcal1... i just know ok? i mean, i studied and understood the lessons well, it's just that i can't pass the exams she's giving!!! i don't f*cking know why, ok? i mean, argh! i don't know what i mean already! my head is pounding and i just want to die right here, right now.

a lot of people will tell me not to waste my life over such stupid, f*cking shit... i know that.... but then again... i don't really know what i want to do with my life already... i just want to give up and die in my sleep...

there's nothing more i want to do now than die and vanish... or be with my best friend and grieve about all the stuff i'm hiding from everyone right now... i can't be strong all the time... i can't be angry at a time like this... this anger must have been brought in by the disappointment i have in me right now... but then again, from the day i found out my quiz results in my final quiz, i knew that i was going to fail... but then, i still studied... two days of studying came to nothing... nothing but a 0.0... damn this life! damn this engcal1! i really want to stay strong... fight whatever i think is going to come flowing soon... fight the tears that wants to flow down... fight the weakness residing in me...

but i can't... i just know i can't... i have to have someone near me right... someone who could comfort me and tell me that everything will be alright... someone who could assure me that tomorrow will be another great day... as the song goes, there's a rainbow always after the rain... someone who could just give me what i need right now... and that someone is no other than my best friend...

if you have read this, i need you right now more than ever... i'm sorry...

life really bites! if i were given a chance to redo everything, i just know i can make and will make everything go smoothly... and right now, i can never have that, can i?

p.s. sorry for the foul language used...

cartoons

what does cartoons say in our lives? i can and will consider myself as an adult right now... and cartoons are for kids. then why the topic? even though sometimes, i let other people see a side of me who enjoys watching adult shows like seinfeld, ed, discovery channel and such shows, i still prefer cartoons over any of those shows anytime!

anyway, here's the point, this entry is not originally my idea... i just read an article in menagerie, the la sallian, about cartoons and why it is a show for kids ONLY. well, they disagreed with it, and i also disagree with it even though i know that i am a big kid at heart. why? cartoons have many morals... it is not just for laughs or for "nothing else is good on the boob tube". in fact, it was stated in the la sallian, by watching an episode of as told by ginger, we can pick up a thousand more lessons than watching a very long exagerated soap opera! not only as told by ginger, cartoons have moved out of the tv and the big screen made way for them more than a hundred times i guess. finding nemo, the incredibles and such big time cartoon movies have more lessons still than a regular soap opera. not that i have something against soap operas, it's just that why are cartoons labelled as kid's only? and when adults or teens are watching them, they are teased about it. there's nothing wrong with wanting some laughs from our favorite, spongebob squarepants to maybe the most kiddie show, blue's clues! ok, i watch blue's clues... we watch these tv shows when we were little kids and found them humorous, why not continue watching them even thought the plots are the same and there's the never ending anvil fall! once in a while, it's healthy to put aside the laws of physics and have a few unreasonable laughs. it's the tv world we just don't have to understand... and i like that!

for some reason, i still find cartoons entertaining the way they were entertaining to me years ago! maybe because i really haven't accelerated yet and really am a kid a heart!

oh yeah, jira says she looks like a cartoon character! just finished my finals! free at last!

hardest things in life...

these are some ouchies in life that i received through email... i have highlighted some things that applies to me and well, there's a legend for the colors:
red - ouch +++
red - ouch ++
lavander - ouch +
orange - normal ouch
no high light- ouch but nr!

1. Being questioned when you yourself don't understand
2. Pretending to be innocent of what you know about
3. Trying to show you care
4. Trying to forget something you know you never will
5. Admitting you were wrong after you have been so insistent that you were right
6. Accepting the fact that you made a mistake
7. Debating with yourself
8. Knowing what's wrong and what's right
9. Growing up
10. Accepting the fact that some things are not meant to be
11. Trying to understand when you just can't
12. Swallowing your pride when it has become too hard and too big to even gulp it down with water
13. Realizing that you have been tricked after you have given your whole trust
14. Realizing that you have taken the most important thing for granted
15. Parting with someone you've just learned to love
16. Letting GO of someone you've loved all ur lyf
17. Losing someone you care deeply about
18. Saying sorry when you mean it where you stand
19. Knowing what is best and yet doing the exact opposite.
20. Bracing yourself for the worst kind of pain... & still hurting so much..
21. Loving someone too much and learning to love the pain that goes with it...that even if you learned to let go of the person... you still go on missing the pain you once felt (and there it goes... you fall again)
22. Denying to yourself that you're falling... then finally you realize that indeed you have fallen when it's too damn late and he/she got tired of waiting...
23. Being with someone else when the right one comes along
24. Knowing deep inside that you love someone yet you can't say it out loud
25. Flashing your smile to someone u don't want to see.
26. Bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget.
27. Showing that u care.
28. Finding a way to mend a broken heart.
29. Learning that someone u truly loves has used you.
30. saying i love you when you mean it and when you don't.
31. Letting go of a person you've just learned to love.
32. Realizing that u love somebody you've just taken for granted.
33. Realizing that u love the person you've just broken up with
34. Waiting for promises you know she or he'll never keep.
35. Saying your love for someone who loves somebody else.
36. Reminiscing the good times u shared together.
37. Shielding your heart to love somebody.
38. Trying to hide what u really feel.
39. Having a commitment w/ someone that u know would not last.
40. Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes.
41. Sharing the one you love w/ someone else.
42. Loving a person too much.
43. Giving up someone u never thought of giving up.
44. Falling in love for the first time
45. Loving someone you haven't seen
46. Having the right love at the wrong time.
47. Exerting effort to make the relationship last or work.
48. Not being appreciated when u know you've given your best.
49. Taking the risk to fall in love again.
50. Hiding your relationship from someone else.
51. Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend
52. Choosing between 2 persons whom u really love.
53. Finding out that u can never have the person u just let go of back
54. Seeing the person u love with someone else
55. Learning that the person who claimed to have loved you so much never really cared
56. Seeing the one you love fall for someone else
57. Falling for your best friend and knowing that things can never be the same again
58. Learning to trust after you have been burned
59. Accepting that it was not meant to be
60. Smiling when all you want to do is cry
61. Falling and knowing that it can never be
62. Not being able to love the person who truly cares for you
63. Saying that you can never love a person the way he loves you
64. Hearing that he/she can never love you the way that you love her/him
65. Saying that you are over someone you still love
66. Being friends again and learning to let go of each other coz you both know it is better that way
67. Convincing one self that you are not in love when you know that you are
68. Having to let go because you know that he deserves someone else
69. Trying not to remember how perfect everything used to be
70. Being the last to know about something that concerns you most of all

yet another dream

i seem to be having a lot of dreams lately... this one, i won't post as a letter in my homepage nor would i go to details about it. why? because it's a lot different compared to the other dreams i had. this one was really different and not at all mind boggling...

what do i have to say about this dream? well, i have concluded that i simply miss someone so much that i don't only think of him during day time, but he also haunts my subconciousness while i'm asleep. around 0240 awhile ago, i took a break from studying and took a nap, then this dream haunted me. i woke up at around 0440, 20 minutes before my actual wake up time. i found myself covered with sweat... i found tears rushing down my cheeks... why is it so hard to just look from a distance when in the past we were so close together? and why am i even doing this to myself? is it because that's what i think he likes me to do? am i really supposed to suffer this way?

i still miss him despite the things that i should prioritize... i should even be studying for my engcal1 test right now and i'm really on the edge... i'm just one step away from failing and i sure don't want to fall down... yet still, what's on my mind? i really miss him so much... i'm just punishing myself disappearing from his life... i guess that's just what i really have to do and yet, i feel so much pain and confusion... for once, i really want to find peace... and find the answer to all my unanswered questions...

Happy Birthday Ahya Terry!

where the streets have no names

while burning some cds for my uncle, i saw a title of a song by Aerosmith... "where the streets have no names". i wondered for a while where could that place be... maybe a labyrinth or an ant farm... i haven't really listened to it yet, and as of now, i really have no intention...

for me, "where the streets have no names" refers to the road ahead... not literally a road that we have to pass... but the road we will take in our journey in life. why don't the streets have names? because we don't really know where we're headed. nobody knows what lies ahead if we go on with our lives. the world still has a lot of mysteries waiting to be uncovered, so have our lives. we don't lead everyday of our lives monotunuosly or organized til the last second, in fact we are told over and over again to leave some time for unexpected surprises. and so we take on streets with no names in order to give them their names.

and then again, another conclusion was formed in my head. where streets have no names i guess also refers to the foolishness of one's heart. love as they say is blind, you set endless qualifications for the one you want to fall in love with but at the end, you always end up with the one who is an exception to every single rule. why is it the place where streets have no names? because you don't really know where you are once you are in love. your destiny tends to be not only yours but also your partner's. you either work as a team or you fail as an individual. still, you really don't need names for the streets if it's your own personal world, right? when you're in love, you have your own world, your own fantasies and your own dreams but with a significant other.

here's my point and how i will relate it with my life right now: i'm tired of living and continuing my journey where the streets have no names. i don't know what lies in front of me or what may happen next. i'm tired of looking from afar... of just waiting here and when i see your name pop out from nowhere, i seem to scurry away scared... i'm tired of how i handle my life right now... i was told that the one who have the most courage is the one you need to look out for because he/she maybe the one who will hurt you most... i guess i could be that.. but lately i have been nothing but scared silly... i have been nothing and my life has been nothing... believe it or not, i really need you in my life but no matter how much i want to move on and no matter how much i say to people that everything is the past right now... i still can't move on... i'm still stuck... in love with you...

Christmas Bazaar

wow, Christmas really is here. the air is cold, Christmas decorations all over the place (except here at home) and most of all, the Christmas Bazaar at the World Trade Center starts today!

we visited it, honestly, it was my first time there. anyway, bought some things sorry to say, it's all for me! i haven't bought any gifts yet except for one... i need to do my Christmas shopping fast!!!

so, there you go... Christmas is here and New Year's eve is just around the corner... before you know it, it's already the start of a new school year and my birthday! i'm so excited to turn 19 already! my burthday wish? it's in the wantlist section! :D

bday shout outs!

Happy Happy Happy Birthday to Maximillian "pencil" Tong, Herschel Tan and Alfred Ong-Lopez!

Miss ko na talaga 4A and the whole batch!!!

kita kita sa sportsfest?! hahahha!!! reunion na!

some songs...

Makita Kang Muli
sugar free

Bawat sandali ng aking buhay
Pagmamahal mo ang aking taglay
Saan man mapadpad ng hangin
Hindi magbabago ang aking pagtingin
Pangako natin sa maykapal
Na tayo lamang sa habang buhay
Maghintay...
Ipaglalaban ko ang ating pagibig
Maghintay ka lamang, ako'y darating
Pagka't sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso
Lahat ay gagawin, makitang kang muli
Makita kang muli, makita kang muli...
Puso'y nagdurusa, nangungulila
Iniisip ka pagnagiisa
Inaalala mga sandali
Ng tayo ay magkapiling
'kaw ang gabay sa aking tuwina
Ang aking ilaw sa gabing mapanglaw
Tanging ikaw...
Ipaglalaban ko ang ating pagibig
Maghintay ka lamang, ako'y darating
Pagka't sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso
Lahat ay gagawin, makitang kang muli
Makita kang muli, makita kang muli...

Rie Fu
Anime: Bleach
Song Title: Life is Like a Boat (first ending theme)
Nobody knows who I really am,
I've never felt this empty before.
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong?
We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves will guide you through another day
Tooku de iku o shiterutoumei ni natta mitai
Kurayami ni omoi dakedomekakushi sareteta dake
Inori wo sasageteatarashii hi wo matsu
Azayaka ni hikaru umisono hate made ee~
Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you will follow me and keep me strong
Hito no kokoro wa utsuri yukunukedashitakunaru
Tsuki wa mata atarashii shuukide mune wo sureteku
And every time I see your face
The oceans lead out to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can't see the shore
Oh, I can't see the shore...
When will I see the shore?
I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I feel this way toward you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow you and keep you strong
Tabi wa mada tsuzuitekuodayaka na hi mo
Tsuki wa mata atarashii shuukide mune wo terashidasu
Inori wo sasageteatarashii hi wo matsu
Azayaka ni hikaru umisono hate made
And everytime I see your face
The oceans lead out to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can't see the shore
Unmei no fune wo koginami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to
Watashi-tachi wo sou kedosore mo suteki na tabi ne
Dore mo suteki na tabi ne...

The song Makita Kang Muli was something someone asked me to listen to. and when i listened to it, it really is nice. there you go...
the second song Life is Like A Boat is from Bleach. at first, i was annoyed by it, big part rie fu was the one who sung it. anyway, i came to like it as i listened to it just a while ago. the lyrics can tell you why i like it...

i MiSs YoU...

sme leadership seminar

ok, i have stopped thinking for awhile... stopped thinking about what i thought was my life anyway... and came to think about the so called more important stuff to me... what is my decision?

i have just attended our org',sme, leadership seminar. here's something i picked up from it, i have to set a vision and a mission in life. of all the things that we were asked to do awhile ago, the one i found the hardest to do was to give myself an award and my motto in life. here's something that came to mind that was a pretty scary thought... am i doing the right thing? is my decision to enter DLSU-Manila and take my course in bachelor of science in manufacturing engineering and management with specialization in mechatronics and robotics the right decision? is it the course for me? is it what i really want? is my future there? or do i even have an idea what might be in store for me? i could have easily entered UST with a course in computer science or maybe if i took the entrance test in CSB, i might be able to walk in and out of Angelo King everyday and lead an easy college life. i have been thinking about this for a thousand times already... why do i always have to doubt what i have decided on? from th moment i saw my brother's DLSU application form, i told myself that i will enter DLSU thru the course comp eng or mem-mr or com sci... either of the three. i decided upon it and now, why am i feeling this pang of emotions, resent and doubt? am i really right for this course? or should i renew my schedule and drop all the major courses to shift next year? why is life unfair?

what is my mission in life? what is my vision? do i even have a purpose to live? what are my priorities in life? what is my goal? i guess i have the true characeristics of a gemini after all... i have been interested in a lot of things that at first i am so excited about it but after a short time, i got tired and just left it there. and now, because of all the possibilities opened to me because of all the opportunities shown and exposed to me, i don't really know what i want... i don't know my mission nor my vision. mission vision, this is the thing i came across and really had a hard time looking for the right answer... until now, i still really don't know what i want to do with my life...

let's see... what i want in life really is to settle down, have a good life together with someone i love and loves me back... what then is my mission? i still don't know after 18 years of living, i guess i really don't know what i want to do and have been spending my life aimlessly and jus wasting it by having all those momentary fun in life... looking back to my past, i can say that i have done nothing to change anything, i have done nothing to attain a goal... i have done nothing to help anyone... i have done nothing for myself. wow, this is some confession! what i want in the future... is something i really need to think about within this weekend. what my goals are, what my mission is, and what i will have to do to fulfill all those... if i found out what the answers are to all these questions, then i will live my life accordingly.

by the way, after some time, i finally found my motto... the sky's the limit... and the award i want? stars. why's that? the sky's the limit is to motivate me that even though i failed at one thing (which i really am so scared about btw) i can stand up once again and reach for the sky... and that i have a lot of things that i can still do. my award, stars, has a really simple meaning behind it. it simply means that i want to accomplish many many things, much more than an ordinary human can. just like the stars, i want my accomplishments to be countless and not just countless but also priceless...

Happy Birthday Shoti Scott!

love F*cking sucks

love f****** s*cks!

why's that? love unsaid is love wasted, and yet love said can only be turned down... love unsaid is called infatuation and love said is obsession... argh! i really can't understand it!!!

wait! paano mo malalaman kung kayo na ba o hindi pa?! is there some kind of confirmation on both parties? or basta nalang? i mean, gets niyo? kailangan bang alam ng 2 tao na sila na? o pwede ba sila na hindi sila kahit na mahal nila ang isa't isa?! o pwede ba ang isang tao magkaroon ng kasintahan na hindi niya man lang alam? damn this thing called love!

wait! paano mo nga naman pala malalaman na mahal mo ang isang tao? kasi ako, meron isang tao na sobrang care ako para sa kanya, na gusto ko siya makadama ng kaligayahan lagi dahil na rin sa tuwing nakikita ko siya na malungkot or alam ko na may problema siya, nananakit din ang puso ko... nakadarama rin ako ng matinding kalungkutan... hindi lang yun, itong taong to, napakahalaga sa akin, maya't maya ang dati naming pagsabi sa isa't isa ang gusto naming ipaalam sa isa't isa... walang taguan pero kahit papaano, palihim parin ata... kahit na alam na namin ang sasabihin ng isa't isa... kung kami'y magkasama, kahit na walang sinasabi sa isa't isa ay napapasaya niya na ako... basta't nasa tabi ko siya at masaya siya, masaya na rin ako. kaya niyang paikutin ang mundo ko sa simpleng text niya o sa tuwing makikita ko siya. ano nga ba ito?!

nakakalitong pag-ibig... matamis ngunit maasim... malakas ngunit mahina... masaya ngunit nakakalito... tahimik ngunit magulo...

ano nga ba ang pag-ibig? dapat ba itong ipamahagi sa iba? dapat ba ito ilabas at ipaalam? ipaalam sa buong mundo o sa maspopular na tawag PDA? o ipaalam sa taong minamahal mo lang??? meron bang tao na nabubuhay upang ipaintindi sa akin itong napaka sakim na emosyon na ito?

naruto and bleach

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com


Take The Quiz Yourself!

i have been watching 59 (minus 46-48) episodes of bleach since saturday... as for naruto, there's the weekly download every thursday together with bleach! so, anyway, rumor has it that bleach will be having a 22 filler episode run jst like in naruto. but i guess naruto has a longer filler spell... anyway, i will still keep on watching!!! oh yeah, i'm downloading 46-48 of bleach right now...

ipaglalaban ko ang ating pag ibig!

i finally got what i wanted, to be busy beyond anything. i'm swamped! anyway, i got the time to type in an entry here just to let you guys know that i am still updating and i haven't died and gone to heaven just yet... anyway, i got a little of this and a little of that. so, what's this entry about? since the night bev congratulated me and told me that i will have the responsibility in taking over our newsletter, MEMo, i got scared. i'm scared... as in really scared. i have never felt this scared in my life, i'm afraid of a lot of things, of haunted house, cockroaches, cat's eyes... and many more, but his feeling is eating me up... why? it's not just the responsibility, i think i can handle that now... but because i felt like i have lost someone dear to me. and who is that? it's me... i have lost myself... where have i gone to? the old me? the one who never takes anything seriously, the one who always laughs at anything that comes her way, the one who never takes no for an answer... why is life hard? the more i live, the more i want to give up everything...

my death

i will die on August 6, 2026 according to www.deathclock.com

know your death!

life's like too long

Life's like too long... still, sometimes it's just too short... why's that whatever things we want, we can never get? my dad sent me a text message last time, though the ending was a joke, the first words were the ones that stung...

"luv is unfair. pgmhal mo d kyo pwede 4ever..."

that hurts... but still, it's true. life's too long like that... then if you want to forget about certain things, life's still too long... but then when you have forgotten about everything, it all seems so short... life seems so complicated for everyone... not only me. why does life have so many limitations? when one of my favorite sayings is "the sky's the limit" ??? i guess some people are just meant to have their feet on the ground, they are never allowed to leave the ground... never allowed to fly high... never allowed to reach cloud nine... i guess somethings need not to be touched... need not to be harmed... need not to be interfered... life's unfair, no?

NO!

i guess life has it's reasons, God has His reasons why eveything is happening to us, why we make wrong decisions, follow the wrong path, make the wrong steps and maybe sometimes fall... maybe that's one way of showing us that life really is fair... that life can never be beautiful without change, without being wrong, without making mistakes... why is that? me, i can't imagine saying that life back then was beautiful when everything is perfect and just the way i wanted it to be when i'm not seeing different things now... if i didn't go to college, i guess what i will be saying is life in SJCS still sucks because of all the things we needed to do, all the Chinese characters we needed to memorize, all the extra curricular activities we have to endure... but now, that i stepped into college, all i'm saying about SJCS is... it's the best always has been and always will be! not only because of all those stuff mentioned before, but also because of the people i have ben accustomed to... the friends that i have made, the loved ones who i saw each and everyday, the simple hi's, hello's and ingats i receive everyday, it's all enough to say i love being a Judenite and i wouldn't have exchanged it for anything else! i guess having a change in life is not so bad... even though college so far, for me, sucks and no one is even bothering to make it better for me... i don't know, but it seems that whatever i do, i still can't get to like my block... i still hate it... and i'm glad that next term, i will be seeing less of them. evil mysh, call me whatever you like... but really, i just can't bring myself to like my block, to enjoy their company in class, i just hate being with all of them all at the same time. sorry... i still love my friends back in SJ, and i miss you guys so dearly! i'm thankful that thanksgiving is fast approaching... i get to spend some time with some friends. even though i have done nothing the weekend before but to be with them... i guess i just can't get enough of them...

life's too long and yet too short... quite ironic isn't it? so, whatever you guys have right now, i suggest you treasure them and spend life like there's no end... because you will never know when it will end and how it will end... even a simple hello, treasure it and remember it for the rest of your life!

comment?

Christmas

34 days til Christmas... am i right? hahahaha!!! i have been browsing thru some stuff in the net... about 70's fashion, our research and things for my wish list since it's almost Christmas...

why 70's fashion? SME's yule boogie's theme is the 70's... i guess i'm pretty excited about it and am looking up things form the 70's and guess what i've found? the most awesome diggity! lava lamps, hypnotic patterns and what i love most about the 70's? platform shoes!!!

things for my wishlist... i have updated my wishlist yesterday actually, i really like those things there although i must admit, they're in my wishlist because they cost quite a small fortune... in short, my pocket can't afford those stuff... well, except maybe for the lava lamps oh well... the other stuffs are found on the internet, some from e-bay and some are to be ordered... really, i adore all the haro and naruto stuff!!! i simply want another haro plush toy and a naruto scroll duffle bag!!!

anyway, we watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire last friday then went to greenbelt to eat... then on saturday, kenevvy treat us to a very luxurious dinner!!! choco haven!!! i was so full!!! anyway, then we went to greenbelt again... 2 consecutive nights in greenbelt... what more can i ask for in my weekend? i slept the day away... just like that... i still am tired though... not really as tired as i should be but still tired... i guess too much excitement just burns a whole through my energy ball!

scared

i'm scared... scared about what's going to happen to me... scared about a lot of things... scared that i might somehow be so miserable that i might just break down... scared that i might lose someone important... scared that i might somehow be the reason for all these...

why is it that i feel this kind of emotion? since when did i get scared by something? i guess i have always been afraid to take risks... i'm no fun... darn it! i hate this... hindi ko alam kung bakit pa akong matakot... kung ano kailangan kong katakutan... siguro dahil dati lagi akong may inaasaan... i look forward to somethings in life... pero ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano na nga ba talaga yun... kung dapat ko bang asahan... kung darating pa yun sa buhay ko... wala na akong pag-asa... siguro kasi ako rin may kasalanan... bakit ko bang kailangang matakot? ano ba dapat kong katakutan? ang tanga ko! i'm so stupid! why do i have to be afraid? siguro kasi wala na rin ako kailangan wala katakutan... i don't feel safe anymore... is it because that i have lost someone dear to me? is it because i thought i lost someone dear to me? this is all so confusing... i want to look for myself for awhile... to take a break, have a long vacation or mabe have a stand still like kei kusanagi from onegai sensei... i think i'm beginning this stage in life again where i can't simply trust anyone anymore... why is that? is i because i have been betrayed for so many times in my life already? so many promises broken? so many torn friendship? bakit ba ang hirap ng buhay? is this my punishment for having a life?

i have so many questions that i know can't be answered... i guess i can't wait any longer... i guess i just have to say goodbye to the life that i have right now and start a new fresh one... but this time, i won't be giving everything anymore... i will keep somethings to myself... no more heart to heart talks with anyone... no more expressing one's self so much... no more giving my love to someone who can never give it back... or to anyone for that matter... i'm done...

butterfly kisses

here's a song i really adore right now... butterfly kisses by michael bolton... honestly, i just heard it from my cousin's wedding last 12 of november... and the one i have downloaded seemed to be cut...

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's Daddy's Little Girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all:
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, It's my first ride"
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, But I sure tried."

Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning
And butterfly kisses at night.
Sweet sixteen today
She's looking like her momma a little more every day
One part woman, the other part girl
To perfume and make-up, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.
All the precious time
Oh, like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly.
She'll change her name today
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the brideroom just staring at her
She asks me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over
and gave me butterfly kisses with her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair.
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, It's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses.
I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is what love is
I know I've got to let her go
But I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

waw... oh well... it's really nice! try to listen to it... too bad i cant find a midi which i can simply put in here as my background... anyway, here's the midi and cut mp3,
butterfly kisses midi
butterfly kisses mp3

the story of my life

as of the past few months, i have been ranting non stop about how unfair life is, how cruel and unjust... well, now, here's my story:

after examining myself and have partly found what i have been looking for, i came up with a decision... i must move on, and i will move on! damn, that was really not too hard to decide about, but why just now when i think everything is too late? because now i'm afraid, i finally sensed fear and am actually experiencing it... no sense denying that now... i am afraid... afraid of what? of so many things and particularly, losing another friend... i can't take another fall and i hate the feeling of being alone. especially if it's my best friend who would be leaving me alone... it's hard. i guess best friends are really just not meant to be more than that, huh? well, i figured it out after almost two falls, good thing the second one didn't go straight ahead and hit me straight on... thanks guys, for everything. you know who you guys are, thanks for opening my eyes. anyway, it's really not hard for me now, since i know what people will tell me, what some friends would advice to me... although, maxi, i'm still waiting for you. :D

so, now, i know how life can be so unfair and at the same time, how life can be so sweet... i don't know how it even became sweet for me, basta, yun na yun... don't doubt me for a second... that's the story of my life, a big wheel and it turns almost non stop... oh, it stops, and usually, it stops at the bottom not just for a short time, but a very long spell... sad but true...

find peace

will i ever find peace in my life as of now? life has been harsh on me until this very moment. i still don't know what i really want and i still don't know much about myself and my feelings. i seem to always be in a daze, lost and dreaming. i guess some things are meant to stay as dreams or thoughts... because if you did something, it only makes things worst, right? life is always like that, not only to me but to a lot of people out there too... is there such a thing as teen crisis? im still a teenager after all and well, im having these thoughts about life that middle age people are worrying about... and of course, some stuff are still teenage matters... where to go with my life, where i stand in the community, what i will do with myself and what do i really want... i guess what i really want is something i can never achieve... what bores deep inside me, i will never get... what i want most, more than my own life, i could never get hold of it... i guess there are somethings that's destined... that there is such thing as destiny... that others are right when they say it isn't worth it... that i'm what im fighting for will never come to me, that all my efforts are just wasted... that the one i want doesn't really deserve it... that i deserve something better... maybe that's why everyone tells me to move on, to leave everything behind... to forget all about it...

THAT DAMN SUCKS!!!

i mean, duh?! i hate it... i hate everything! i wish a special moment of my life would just freeze up like that... that i would be able to enjoy it for a long time... that i don't have to worry about good byes or awkwardness... that i deserve something in life... that i can get just one thing that i love... just one... please? but what can i do about it, what can anybody do about it?! nothing... cause there's nothing that can help me get what i want, what i love... it damn hurts! it really hurts... i mean, bakit ba iniisip ng tao na iintayin ko pang masaktan, na yun lang, ang pagsabing hindi talaga pwede hurts me and buries me alive? i mean, i know that they simply just care about me and i shouldn't take anything personally, besides, the other party doesn't even want it... then why do i still continue to give everything? and i know that later on in life i would just fall and crumble into pieces... then why don't i just back out right now, kung kelan kaya pa? maybe i just can't... maybe it's just too late... it's just too late... i have decided and it's rare that i have a final decision... i'm just an unlucky girl... and a lost princess once again...

"kelan ka... " dapat kong sagot, "kung kaya mo nang ibalik ang binibigay ko sayo..."

eng night

still tired from eng night... the excitement and all the fun stuff! hahahah!! :D i really enjoyed my first and probably last eng night... happy 60th anniversary coe of dlsu! anyway, the concert was fun, great bands like, akafellas, mojofly, sugarfree, hale and rivermaya! although we got tired of just standing around there so we sat down on a bench and listened to the concert at a slightly near distance. So, here are some pics we took... not really all about the concert, just us, and the fireworks :D nice fireworks by the way!


akafellas, taken by karlo cortez... can't see anything from our place :P


in front of z2, taken by porman :D


still in front of z2... wacky, taken by porman :D


fireworks during the end of the concert, taken by me! :D

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OK!

you guys probably think that i went a little over the edge right now, typing random letters and numbers on my keyboard... well, maybe yes and still maybe no... why's that? everytime im in front of any computer, i want to just put my hands on the keyboard and start pressing random keys... though sometimes i form words (look at the one on top if there's any) and sometimes, i just type in some gibberish stuff... that's one way of how i handle stress... hahahha!!! though im not stressed right now... im pretty relax actually and looking forward for the eng week... i just thought that i would share something with you guys, open up my weird hobbies...

1. i like to poke on things... i really do! it's like haptics... i want to feel the tingling sensation at my finger tips... ok... nerdy much! but seriously, i really do enjoy poking on stuff, that's why i love buttons, cellphone and the keyboard!!! specially the clickety sound... :P

2. i adore my baby pillow!!! (let's skip this one out!)

3. i love the smell of a newly scratched match... the one which just underwent friction and have flame already... and the smell that candles give off when it is lighted.

i guess those are a few... the rest? next time! :D

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Emilia

last nov 1, our family, dad side, went to the Chinese cemetery to visit our "sleeping" relatives. i saw Joyce and Kurstin there respectively... i saw Joyce on the way to visiting my sister's grave. i learned some stuff about my sister... after 18 years i have actually seen where she is resting.

My sister is older than me for almost 4 years. She was born on the 27th day of october 1983. ironic for me when i suddenly realized that our supposed feast day was the same day, october 27. anyway, her name is Emilia L. Aquilino and she died on the same day she was born... in short, she was born dead.

I wonder what life would be like if i still have my older sister with me... maybe i would be much into girly stuff or we both would be so much interested in pretty much the same things that i'm into now. wonder if i would be a totally different person if she was around while i'm growing up or still be the same me... wow, i never thought i would say this but i wish i had an older sister or a younger sister. i mean, a brother is not bad but another girl in the family wouldn't hurt right? but then there's the possibility that if my sister were alive, maybe i would not be here right now... why? because each and everytime dad's friends would ask why he only have two kids, he would say, "one boy and one girl is enough" that's why. but then again, it would have been so much fun during my childhood until today if my older sister is around. of course i also have a lot of cousins who are older than me, but still having someone with exactly the same surname would be a lot of fun. last time, i think my mom or my dad was the one who told me that my sister looked exactly like me... maybe i'm her? gyahahha! like that would ever be possible.

my love for books

Been reading a lot lately... of James Patterson's Alex Cross novels! here's what i have read so far:

1. Along Came a Spider
2. Kiss the Girls
3. Jack & Jill
4. Cat & Mouse
*5. Pop Goes the Weasel
*6. Roses are Red
7. Violets are Blue
*8. Four Blind Mice
9. The Big Bad Wolf
10. London Bridges
11. Mary, Mary

I'm still reading Four Blink Mice though...in the middle of reading it... and guess what, it's the first book i have checked out of the dlsu library! :D gyahahhaha!!! addicted!

naruto addiction

got nothing to do, crop some pic here, paste some pic there... and i got 2 new avatars and 1 cute pic! cool!

will i?

been checking out some videos made by some people over the internet... no, not any adult material... just anime... seems i have stumbled upon a site that features these kind of stuff where you can share your videos. anyway, i was watching some stuff and put the two best, for me, in my friendster account... you can check out my profile there if you're interested...

anyway, the moment i stumbled upon the naruto video which features sasuke and sakura, i remembered jay comparing me to sakura... and the card captor sakura video? well, i remembered the movie 2... especially syaoran's words, something like, even if i lost my memory i will still fall in love with you all over again...

nice! there's the main idea of my entry tonight... when i was in third year and fourth year high school, i remember how much i wanted to lose my memory... everything that happened in the past... every emotion i have felt... it's only because of one thing and what an important thing it was to me! of course until now it's still important to me specially since it's been resolved and now everything has been patched up. anyway, i have met a lot of people who regret the stuff that they did but doesn't want to erase it... i guess it's only me who just wants to run away. they were saying that they don't want to because even though they did it over, they wouldn't have it any other way. gets?! i guess i still haven't seen the beauty of life that way... i still want to run and hide or repeat and renew... i still think like a child...

anyway, right now, i wonder... if i lost my memory, will i still feel the way i'm feeling right now? if i lost my memory, would i still be friends with the same friends i have? if i lost my memory, will i still fall in love with the same person again? i will not know my answers to that unless i lose my memory and have amnesia... now, i still have another thing to wonder about... if ever i will have amnesia, will i be able to renew my life? would i be happier if i don't love the person i'm in love with right now? will i ever feel the same happiness that i have felt with my friends in SJ and the enjoyable things that we did specially the very first picnic that i've been thru? i guess no matter how much i have wished for amnesia that time, i really don't mean it... and when i say i want to die and i will commit suicide, i still don't mean it... why? because even if i have to live my life again, i will not have it any other way! especially the way things are with my dearest friends!

so, will i still fall in love with the same person i am in love with now? i guess there's a very big possibility that i still will... why? because he's not difficult to love... in fact, he's a very lovable person! and that's what i like about him so much!

**sorry about this entry again... i just got time to think because of this long weekend thing... so you guys out there who has a bone to pick with me, just give me a ym buzz! id is: minisignal

autocad...

my first exam in lbymeea ata yung course code... also known as cad class




exercises in cad...

guess i'm just proud that i know how to use auto cad now even though they're just simple drawings... good thing i have upgraded from grapone!!! grapone was tough... but now, instead of bringing our t-square, we only bring floppys! thank you technology! as of now, i really don't have any idea what the drawings are... but i will when i decide not to shift next term... anyway, the drawings took me about an hour or more to make... i really suck at cad so when i finish doing a drawing, i'm darn proud of it! hope the drawings make you want to learn autocad too!

sorry and thanks

for those people who visited my blog yesterday and got worried, i deeply apologize... i haven't been myself lately because of all the problems that rushed this week... failed my engcal quiz and all... i even had my counseling last wednesday... i guess i just go lost in the way of my life and got tired... and i just decided that i want to die to stop everything already... i guess what i should have said was i need a stop button in my life once again. but i was just too tired and too confused to be discreet about it... and i just got the urge to say it loudly... once again, i'm sorry...

anyway, sorry about the way i have been acting too... i mean, one moment i'm just bursting with energy and in the hyper mode, then the next i would be staring into blank space and tears would start falling down and later on, i would be so angry at something... i guess i have been moody... very moody once again. i promise, i will try to improve myself...

oh yeah, and thanks for the people who stood by me the whole week thru my endless bickering with life and everything else... to tanya, who have been riding my "girl friend" joke from i don't know when... i have been introducing her as my howe to everyone else... to mike, for worrying when i almost had a good mind jumping from the fourth floor in velasco last night... to nikki, karlo and arvin, who have been there to make me laugh at the simple things in life... even the corniest... to haze and jira for bringing me endless joy all the time... to hanna ngo, for accompanying me this morning and listening to all my rants... to doctor chan for making me laugh with his barbarian sounds and acting.. (oh yeah, i learned something today from dlsu... and that's how does barbarians act!!! barbarians yawn loudly when they want to sleep, burp repeatedly and loudly when they are full and drool with their tongue sticking out when they are hungry!!!) and last but most specially, to mau... for all the advices and fun you showed me when i'm depressed :D

sorry and thanks guys!

Happy Feast Day Saint Jude!!!

engcal

MAGPAPAKAMATAY NA AKO!!!
AYAW KO NA!!!

best lovers

can best friends be lovers? or even just a bit more than what they have?

i was told that friends can be lovers but best friends can never be lovers... why is that? because a best friend is someone who you can depend on... someone who you need when you have to say something and just can't tell anyone else. as everybody knows, a relationship is like a rollercoaster, sometimes it's up and sometimes it's down... when your best friend is your significant other, when everything is down, you don't only lose your lover, you also lose your best friend... it's harder that way right? instead of losing just by losing one important person, you lose two important roles in your life...

is that the only reason? the risk of losing someone? i can't think of any reasons at all... that reason was just explained to me... that reason was just shown to me... i really don't have any problem with best friends ending together since it's not that big of a chance to get into an arguement between the two... after all, they are friends and they know each other. they should be able to understand each other and to respect each other... it's another case when one is a different person while in a relationship... but usually, they know each other's problems, they know each other's hardships and what they have been thru... it's not like they will want to hurt each other in the course of the relationship, that they will want to be a burden to each other... nobody wants that right?

so i ask you again, can best friends be lovers? it will not be a surprise for everyone if a pair that close would end up as couples, after all, they are in the right path, right?

** best friends here are composed of a guy and a gal... i'm not talking about yuri of yaoi here... please clean your minds...

alex cross

into reading novels again... and this time, it's James Patterson! currently reading "roses are red" only to find out that Alex Cross appeared in so many more James Patterson novels... here's the list:

1. Along Came a Spider
2. Kiss the Girls
3. Jack & Jill
4. Cat & Mouse
5. Pop Goes the Weasel
6. Roses are Red
7. Violets are Blue
8. Four Blind Mice
9. The Big Bad Wolf
10. London Bridges
11. Mary, Mary

i want to read every single one of them!!! i'm really into the story of roses are red even though i'm not yet half way... it's like i can't lay the book down... addictive!!!

procession

wow, my very first sunday in Haze's house! fun! :D

we stayed there for awhile after doing what we need to do and talked with Tanya while Haze was attending her brother's confirmation. we ate out, courtesy of Haze's family, (thanks!) even though it was a vegetarian shabu-shabu and Jira and I considered it as our version of "Fear Factor", it was superb! thanks again!

next thing, we joined the procession of Saint Jude Parish... it was my first procession to wear civilian clothings! and didn't even get the chance to catch my own flowers... but i got one anyway... thanks Ms. Alamo, for the beautiful rose! :D while we were in the churchyard, the scent coming from Mang Alex's fishball cart was really tempting, though i never ate from that cart, it was still a scent to miss and they say, the fishballs of Mang Alex will always be the best! anyway, we went in the halls of SJ once again on a Sunday... it was empty, quiet and no school buses! wow... it was like C.A.T. again... the atmosphere anywhere will never match the one that's of SJ... i don't know why, but i think the air coming from the Pasig river is what makes it so soothing even though the Pasig river is... you know... overly polluted... wow... how i miss SJ... may pasok ako kanina for short! :D

then we went up to the third floor where refreshments were given out everytime there's a procession... this year, instead of SJ's famous chicken sandwich which i adore and absolutely miss already, it was exchanged for a bunch of processed meat from McDo, burger McDo... ok, ok, you might think that SJ is improving... but somethings are just not meant for change... anyway, like what we always do, we get a burger and a drink... but like we always do, for me since we were in third year, we don't get contented with that... we go back, and back, and back, a couple more times more and have a drinking fest with softdrinks! although, awhile ago was different... we didn't need to sneak our drinks out, a Father approached us and invited us for more if we want to... it's nice to be a very loyal alumnus! so, not only drinking fest but also burger galore! although only a few of our batch mates attended, still we had fun... and lots of it too! we even played truth or dare and were very noisy!!!

only a few minutes ago i was back in SJ, enjoying everything there once again and now, i'm home and i have to do my KASPIL2 assignment due tomorrow... damn... i wish i was really back in SJ together with everyone... i miss you guys na so much!!! i still have that "i miss SJ" drug...

break

finally had a short break today... a day to hang out with my friends...

ok, it didn't start out that way at all... first is to wake up very early to go to our cwts class and when i got there, we all waited for the others to arrive because they're late! damnation talaga o... call time is 0730!!! and we left? 0830!!! damn!!! a whole hour!!! then we finally arrived at the site, kaingin, at 0930 i think... and when we reached the top after climbing up under the very hot sun, we found out that the children we were suppose to teach were having a dental check up "down under"... so, we hang out there and played with the kids... and i bought "conrad" a little orange painted chick and we went back to DLSU already.

we ate at raps and attended the sme leadership training seminar thing... we left conrad at the blackboard eraser cleaner for awhile and attended the talk. when we went back for it, all that was left was a ... ok, ok, not really the type of remembrance you want from anything or anyone... but there it was.

Haze, Jira and me then went to Robinson's... ok, i've been there for so many times already but everytime that i'm there is a special moment for me because i'm there with different people, but all are good friends of mine, so naturally, new memories are formed each time i step into it. anyway, we didn't watch a movie this time, we window shopped, ate, ate, ate and ate... ok, we brought something too... we brought some pots, water sprays, soil, shovels and seeds... what for?! it's our little secret! :D

tomorrow's the procession for St. Jude Parish... a tradition that i got used to during my high school stay in SJ... wish i could go... i would but let's just see... oh yeah, our feast day was moved from oc t 27 to oct 22... not Saint Jude's feast day, that's on the 28th! but... basta!!!

Happy Feast Day! I had a lot of fun tonight!

relax... please?

remember last time how much i crave for a rewind button in life? well, i still want one... to fix the decisions i've made that i regret until this freaking day... the decisions which changed my life indefinitely! the mistakes that i have done to ruin my life like this. now, not only a rewind button but a pause and play button as well... if possible, a stop button too. why? for when i'm tired, i will just hit the pause button and relax... do nothing and just chill and a play button for when i'm ready to rummage thru life again...

life is really hard to live with... but you can't live without it... ironic right? damn... with all the things happening around me, around us, around everyone... the non-stop rallying of the people to overthrow the government, the evat law which i think will bring more trouble to the masses, the hit-the-ceiling increase of gas prices, the dead business everywhere, the false promises given by politicians... i think Filipinos today take inflation as a very hot fad and not seriously as it should be... i mean, like our Philippine History "teacher" said awhile ago, as DLSU students, how can we prevent or at least minimize the problems of the country? that took a moment out of my time to stare into space and think about what i could do on the way home from DLSU. i guess even though i don't know anything that's going around in the Philippines or in the world, i still want to help... even though i have Chinese blood flowing within me, i guess nationalism to the Philippines in which i grew up in has been awaken not by the chaos happening... but by our last term kaspil prof, Dr. Dery. i guess all the articles about Rizal and the pre-colonial Filipinos have opened my eyes to act and to help out the country... PGMA said last night on the news, by 20 years from now, Philippines would have already paid it's debt and inflation will not be the in thing because the e-vat law has been approved... let's just see about that...

i guess my problems are just a tiny speck compared to the problem of the country, huh? but i'm still a kid... no, i'm not... even though how much i want to be a kid i've got face reality, i turned 18 last may already and am considered as an adult already... as a legal aged citizen... i need to be aware of what's happening... but me? no... i don't really want to know because the problems and workload i have everyday is enough to ruin every single thing in my life... because the more i listen to the news, the more irritated i become, the more i can't wait to leave the country... but i can't do that can i? i mean, i grew up here in the Philippines and could never and i mean never leave this country until everything is in good hands? i'm not really an activist, but i want to do something even though i don't want to...

ok, time out!

this is becoming to be a very nationalistic entry... back to the original subject... i want to have a pause button in life right now, lie on the grass somewhere high and look at the stars tonight... here in manila, i can't see any stars... maybe 2 or 3 only... why? because of the pollution!!! heck, please, i really want to get away from everything even just for tonight or just for a week... i want to get away from all the responsiblities i have to fulfill, i want to get away from my daily life... i just want to have a break and relax... i want to go to a spa to soothe my bones and relax my tired body... i just want to chill...

is it so much to ask for?! give me a break!!! please?!

break down

break down... actually, still breaking down... hay... really had a tough day... brain draining... wah!!! still can't stop whining and whining and whining... i'm becoming very annoying... not to mention more corny!!!

i wanna die na... even just for tonight...

long long update

wow, if i didn't open my blog right now, i wouldn't have updated still!!! anyway, it's been a long time... guess i've been busy... oh yeah, i still got to finish my write up for chem lab, our kaspil2 project, my summary of the robotics talk for chem and i still got to study for our engcal quiz tomorrow... wow... and then after all that, i can go to sleep and wake up at 0530 tom and leave for dlsu 0630... and guess what, my class is not until 0920 pa!!! guess i can't wait for the weekends... i can't wait for october 31, november 1 and november 4... i want to relax!!! i've been rushing everything this week... as in, i barely know what to do first... you can say,
I'M ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING DOWN!!! SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!! I WANT TO DIE ALREADY!!!
i haven't stop whining since tuesday when everything just went from calm, cool and collected to disasterous, hectic and just plain chaotic!!! ok ok... maybe i'm exaggerating a bit, some people have more things to do... but i'm kinda laid back... and i can't stay up the whole night cause if that happens again, i will get sick... again! that's why as much as possible, 9 hours of sleep for me please!

anyway, there i go again, whine whine whine... that's my specialty alright... oh yeah, you guys check this site out...

cloud song

it's cool!!! and here's the lyrics that i patiently gathered...

Cloud Song

My name is Cloud,
I have a sword.
I fight cactuars,
Because I'm bored.
I like to ride,
On chocobos.
It's better than,
Having afros.
And when I go into an inn,
15 seconds,
It's day again.
I will use
A phoenix down,
So when I die,
I will not frown.
Because I am Cloud,
My hair defies all gravity.
And I can't have too many potions,
Or I might get cavities.
If I can't slice you,
Then that's ok.
I use my magic,
Anyway.
And I will defeat that Sephiroth,
Because he's not David Lee Roth!

proof

i'm not a cry-baby!!! anymore!

i promise to stay happy no matter what!

what's hot and what's not

what's hot: weather today... super hot! hahahah!!! joking aside, what's hot today? i'm starting to learn how to play the guitar!!! life long dream!!! although my fingers hurt and i stink at it big time, it's still cool... next thing you know, i will be playing for you!!! thanks sensei Karlo! :D

one more thing, i learned what my name means... actually, different meanings...
1. mysha (mysh)- protective
2. michelin (myshyl lyn)- lovable
3. micheline (myshyl lyn)- delightful
4. michel/mikaela (myshyl)- God loving

never thought na meron same spelling nick name ko!!! hindi na ako orig!!! pero, kaya marami kasi wala yung exact spelling ng name ko e... weird kasi spelling pero, me like! :D

what's not: serious stuff... what if you're into something that can never be?

ok... super cliche question... what will you do if you really want something but no matter what you do, you can't have it? what will you do if you have it already but it really can't be... know what i'm saying? no matter what happens, you can't have it... sad right? specially if you're really into it already... hard to let go... hard to forget... hard to ignore... hard to hide... why? because you want it and you're proud of it... right? hay... a lot of people i know have this problem right now... and what do they do? hide... that's right... hide... why? because they're afraid... they are afraid to try and fight for what they want... afraid to be liberated... afraid to be free... heck, if we don't do what we need to do in order to get that something, we really won't be able to acquire it... as i have always said, speak your mind... tell them what it's like... be brave... because when you're not all these, you can never have the guts to fight for what you want and you will never acquire it... good if what you want is just material thing... but what if it's not... what if it's pride, honor or skill? you have to work hard for it... and well, if you don't try hard enough, you won't gain it... you know why? because you are not the right one to take hold of it... in short, you made it into a "not meant to be", "not destined to be"... damn... hard right? harsh if i do say so myself...

this entry is not to lecture others, it's to lecture me as well... i have a lot of things that i want that i'm not suppose to have... what do i do? i hide everything... i use cover ups and stuff... tell a little white lie here and a big lie there... trust me... i have been lying for years!!! what are the things i'm not supposed to have? i'm not suppose to love someone so dear and i'm not allowed to care for someone so dear... there's this Chinese racist thing towards Filipinos... i know every Chinese knows that.... as well as every Filipino who have cared for a Chinese... i pondered upon the words of Karlo awhile ago...

"hindi ba kayo pwede maging normal na tao lang na pwedeng magmahal ng kahit sino?"

trust me... i don't know the answer... i think i need to mature more just to find the answer to that...

prayers

"the more you study, the more you forget..."

ok, basically it's true because if you study more, there's more to forget... but when you don't study at all, what is there to forget about? you may think of it as "pilosopo" but it's really the truth... but then, there's always study and understand so you won't forget, or the billboard effect as they call it...

awhile ago, i was at the 3rd floor fire exit of velasco, watching the people below as they seek shelter in miguel to prevent getting wet from the rain... then i suddenly looked up, looking at the partly set sun as it was around 4:40 to 4:50 already... our ten minute break from kaspil2 and chemone... ok, i was thinking again so i didn't listen to the discussion our chemone prof was giving... here's what happened as i look up... i talked to God...

i have always believed that talking to God in prayers can do miracles in life... not only for one's self but also for others... i don't go to church every sunday... and trust me, i seldom do... there are times that i go to the chapel to pray to God.. but most of the time, i talk to Him when i just need to thank Him about something or need to ask for something... i thank Him for my daily life as well as my friends... i know it's not like me to be like this... but, sorry, this side of me, i don't usually let people see...

so, here's the scoop... why the study and the prayer? it gave me a lot of courage today... those two things... it's really not about me... but about a friend... Good luck, you know who you are... pinagdasal na kita ng sobra sobra... i pray for your happiness...

memories

another wallpaper... this one i call memories :D

rain

"as the rain fall, it feels like heaven's crying..."

as i watched the raindrops drop on our car's window, i looked at it and thought of the many things that i usually think about... you know, the stuff that i shouldn't even be thinking about... anyway, i watched it and noticed that every drop that fell is not just one... but it divides into little droplets... wish my life is like that... that i will never be alone... that in the end, there's still someone there for me despite everything... but no! the life i live is a lonely one... it's like i don't have any special friends or even close friends... of course, everyone i know is my friend... trust me... but there are just some people who deserves much more friendship than i expect to give them... that's the people na kinaiinisan ko... this entry is not about them... it's about those people who i consider very special, those people who are like brothers and sisters for me... especially the person who became my best friend from 6th grade til 2nd year... ok, maybe i have a bad luck with best friends, i'm not good at keeping them... that's why i stopped myself from looking further and treated everyone equally... treated everyone the same... but then, awhile ago, i suddenly thought of that past... the best friend who mattered most in my life back then... my hachi mitsu... i guess those poems i wrote are true... someone is still haunting me not because i like them like them... but because they made such an impact in my life that i can never forget... i thought that maybe if we didn't have our arguement, our fight, our dispute, our differences... things will still be the same and i wouldn't have learn the pain that one has to endure in life... the pain that stays with you even if you forget everything else... i guess i have to thank him for that... for opening a new life for me... ok stop!

i can be depressed for the rest of my life... i can be alone for the rest of my life... and yet, i can still be happy for the rest of my life... it's my choice right? i can be afraid to face the future... i can be eager to know what will happen next... it's my choice! well then, i guess i really make my own decision right? i can be whoever i want to be... maybe it's just a phase that i think about these stuff over and over again... i know i will never be alone... and so, i should live my life with a smile from now on!

sleepless night

this is what i did last night besides these two which are entered in our 60th eng batch shirt design contest...


front


back...

wow... how i miss my friends... wallpaper ko nga pala yun ngayon! :D really need to catch up on my z's...

status

sometimes it feels like i don't have any friends... but then again, maybe it's true...

sometimes i feel like i'm alone... that i have no one to go to when i'm in need... maybe it's a family curse... that everyone in our family needs to be alone and never experience the fun to be with others except relatives... i don't want that... sometimes it feels like everyone just needs to move on and leave everyone behind... i never did that... sometimes the person you think you could go to is the person who shoves you off...

why are people like that? why does people have to have "the status"? why does people have to have "barriers"? why??? maybe because it's just the law of people, to put labels on each other...

sometimes i think that the feeling i have is not just a feeling... but the truth... that i don't really have friends... why? one, maybe because everyone else have their own cliques and i don't? my label: "LOSER"!!! ok, accept that... why? because there's nothing wrong with not giving in to bad things... nothing wrong with speaking your mind... nothing wrong with doing what you have to do... nothing wrong with trying to be at your best... nothing wrong to be alone...

ok... so maybe i really don't have any friends at all but just people i meet and get to know each day... so maybe i need friends and am in constant need of advice and guidance... so maybe i need to be more... i don't know... i don't know what i have to change in me... because what i know is, a really friend is someone who accepts you for who you are...

so, do i have a friend? or none at all? maybe from this day on, i will play as someone invisible... those people who i bug most of the time, say bye to the mysh you knew... since this day on, i will be an invisible woman... sorry...

dreams

catching little glimpse of the show "little big star" of abs-cbn right now... i guess every kid there have the dream of being the best and claim the top spot...

there was this kid, the first i think, who sang "when you believe" ok, it set me back up the stage of SJ again... ok ok... im weird but this entry is not about that...

it's about how much i wish that childhood was spent on more serious things... like piano lessons, guitar lessons, violin lessons, aikido, taekwondo or music lessons... wow... how i envy those kids... hahahah!!! i'm basically an adult now... and still i haven't learned how to play any instrument... i don't know any art or sport!!! all i know is how to sleep, watch tv and right now, kahit papano, computer literate... i think i'm a born failure... i don't even know how to use a washing machine or a sewing machine...

what are my dreams? when i was in second grade, i had my mind fix... that i want to be a lawyer when i grow up... then i opened my eyes to reality, i can't possibly be lawyer... ever! then i saw the opportunity of being a chef... opening my own restaurant or a bakery... why? because cooking and baking are some of my passion!!! i enjoy looking at people's happy faces when they take a bite off a piece of my cookie... or when they light up when they taste my leche flan...

but then there are my past times... crochet, pc, building models and designing... and where am i now? engineering... i guess building models, pc and designing took my interest the best!!! i also enjoy singing, but face it... i really don't know how to sing!!!

wah!!! guitar... violin...

cad... 1*beep*2

1*beep*2 raised to infinity... can't say much... the FEUd ends... and it really ended badly with FEU scoring 73 points and DLSU with 71 points... pretty nice game though...

here's what i've been doing in cad lab...






1*beep*2... DAMN!!!

not quite...

hey, i just finished rummaging thru all my stuff in here looking for my said lost atm card... gosh!!! i searched for it for like one and a half hour, panicking then i saw it... at my mom's desk... which she supposedly handed it to me last night...

anyway... as i was waiting for my mom to drive me home awhile ago, by the way, i waited for 20 minutes... again! for my mom, it's early... anyway, i was singing "That's When" by Aslyn... i don't know, it seems to be stuck in my mind because of the heart warming lyrics... and then i found myself thinking of what my entry will be for tonight... i was talking to myself back then, mumbling words that i shouldn't say when i'm alone... a girl stood next to me and staring at me... then i realized that i'm talking to myself... anyway, i have forgotten it actually because i was occupied looking for my atm card... i think it went something like this:

lately, i would be lieing if i said i've been happy beyond words... or even just plain happy. i know being with my friends makes my daily load lighter even just a teensy bit... but still, the load i carry is more like a burden to me now... i found myself wiping off tears from my eyes during our 10 minute breaks between ansogeo, kaspil and chemone... good thing nobody saw me... i was really quiet... thinking about stuff that i shouldn't even be thinking of... i mean, of course i miss some high school friends... but i figured out that there is no such thing as high school friends... nor there's such as college friends... why? because everyone is a friend no matter when i got to know them... college life is still hard for me... i've stayed in dlsu manila for almost 5 months now and i still haven't gotten use to everything... actually, i'm quite comfy of the place but not the people... in short, i still haven't adjust... i guess it's not because i can't but it's because i really don't want to. i still prefer being with good ol fellow judenites... of course there are also a few number of new friends that i enjoy their company and wish to know them a little bit more... but maybe because of what i have went thru in high school, i have made a barrier not to get too attached to anybody because i'm afraid to get hurt once again... i mean, i spend time in dlsu manila not to get attached to new people or stay in the past... i'm there for a reason... and that reason is manufacturing engineering and management. i enter eng gate everyday to get at least a 1.0 in all my courses... not that i am contented with 1.0... as much as possible, i try my best to get a 4.0 in all my courses...

anyway, those tears i shed are not for my friends... they're not even for my problems... not even for my grades if that's what your thinking... those tears are not tears of joy... but tears of misery... i'm a lone wolf... i know how to live alone... i actually prefer it sometimes... but sometimes i just long for someone's hug, for someone's shoulder to cry on, for someone's ears to listen to me, for someone's voice to listen to, for someone's eyes to drift away in... everybody knows who that special someone is to me... i miss him... whenever i close my eyes, i always wish that if i open it, i will see no one, nothing, but him... but i know it will never be possible... i know it will be impossible for me to give this up... it's impossible for me to forget... it's impossible for me not to dream... it's impossible for me not to wish and fantasize...

so i guess, the answer... not quite people... not quite...

i guess being a person in this world gives me a reason to live it on... i may not be a princess and will never be because i'm not royalty or of royal descent... but trust me, i am a princess in my own way... it's all thanks to someone... who makes me feel like i'm a princess whenever he's around...

old memories... confusion...

just finished browsing thru my journal way back 1998!!! wow!!! that was old... anyway, browsing thru it, i found a lot of memories in there... like my first serious crush and that my hand writing sucks!!! i found poems, quotes and this:

my type of guy is the ff. :
1. cute
2. kind
3. timid
4. sensitive
5. the one who also thinks of others not only himself

exact words... i guess i'm shallow... i thought of browsing my old journals to find out what i looked for in a guy when i was younger... i was just 11 back then... i guess some still applies... but then, my list now is...

1. gentleman
2. sincere
3. caring
4. one who will love me

i guess it improved... right?

anyway, during ansogeo awhile ago... i was struck with a thought and just had to write this poem...

Lost Princess
by: minisignal

Why do I have to suffer?
After all the time I gave.
You left me alone crying,
Why does this all have to end?

Tonight I sat by the window,
Asking for nothing but you.
Is it me who want it to end?
I guess it is, and I'm wrong...

Why am I so dumb, naive?
I know what I want and it's you.
I kept it to myself,
Until I told you the truth.

Now I ask of you again,
Take me back in your arms.
I can't live on like this,
Make me your princess once again.

It's lame... but... no wonder i wrote one again... i'm confused once again...

my own...

how can one know that everything is over? that everything must already be forgotten? that it is time to move on? that everything must be left behind and let it be anything but a memory of the past? how could something be like that when it didn't even exists?

how could someone be so sure what is happening? should everything be in the form of words? how about actions? they say that actions speak louder than words... but isn't it nice to hear certain words once in a while?

i'm tired... so tired... tired of what? of waiting for a sure rejection... for waiting for absolutely nothing... for waiting... just that... i'm not sure what will happen in the future... i'm not sure what will happen right this minute... will the food i am cooking burn because i'm writing this entry and leaving it there to cook? you see, i'm not sure... nobody is... and because i'm not sure, i'm scared... i don't know what will happen next... nobody does...

but because of waiting, we soon find out what will happen... we expect too much that we sometimes- or must i say, most of the time - hurt ourselves... we sometimes visualize what will happen, there enters the countless images that flashes before our eyes... and we get the worst case scenario... but even so, we hope and wish for the best for us... and even though we expected the worst, we still get dissappointed about it... it? yeah, it... about not having the best to happen...

patience is a virtue and we need it while waiting for something, or someone. i know i need a lot of it... i have been waiting for something for 7 months now... and still it has not come... how i wish that it comes positively but all this waiting has given me nothing but confusion... how many times have i said that i give up, i don't want this anymore, i'm suffering a lot, i'm pathetic?! a lot!!! in my eighteen years of existence, this is the second time around that i have experience this kind of feeling... the feeling that, i'm sure to face it sooner or later... that it will never come out positive... it's always negative... it's just like multiplying a positive interger and a negative integer... nothing comes out positive... it's always negative...

i know i may sound very depressed right now... i am... i am... i have been everything but happy since march 22, 2005... a very memorable day for me... remind me to be patient even though i know i'm not waiting for something positive and i will only get myself hurt...

i give up... i don't know if i'm sure of this already... but as of now, that is my decision... i can live by myself... i want to be my own... and no one elses...

englicom

englicom roll the dice...

ok... it was... not so fun for me... i didn't win anything nice... well, the jug is nice, so is the keychain and the c2... but i didn't get to win any big price!!!

anyway, here's the scoop... i'm hyper kanina... and now, hindi na masyado... pagod na e... pero still excited about tomorrow's gimik at night! not the cwts a!!!

oh yeah, about me?! super trip ko na magpa late!!! wow, mysh, late for class... new one!!! hahahah!!! pero totoo... super hilig ko na magpalate... sinasadya ko pa nga e!!! naughty girl na...

and this i've got to say... i'm a one-man girl...

and the FEUd begins...

and the FEUd begins...

ok, for a La Sallian, bad word... at least for the games to follow... damn... i was late for my Filipi2 class cause i simply wanted to... but when i saw the game, i never felt so... confused... to go to class... or not... i simply went because i'm afraid to cut any class at all... anyway, when i reached class, we were also dismissed to watch the game at the central plaza... heck! the crowd, the cheers, the shouts... wish i had gone to the stadium!!! anyway, i went half way thru the third quarter before leaving dlsu... feu was in the lead with 58-51... on the way home, i had called jira twice to check on the scores... 59 all at the end of the third... guess i was too hooked up to today's game that i almost literally ran home from school... we passed 3 red lights along taft avenue and i ran when i was supposed to walk...

i reached home, watched the remaining 4 minutes of the fourth quarter... santos... grr... hahaha!!! no, just kidding! i actually admire his three-points! swak na swak!!! anyway, last two minutes, 73 all... feu ball and whapak!!! santos shoots a three pointer but misses this time, feu players below the net... need i say more... 2 more points for feu!!! wah!!! with 5 seconds left, i left the room and i knew the results...

75-73... the De La Salle Green Archers lost the first game of the finals against FEU this 68th season of the UAAP... depressing... but never the less, i saw what happened afterwards... great game archers and tamaraws! i'm looking forward to the next game! :D

engcal test tomorrow and englicom roll the dice during the evening... i need to study...

by the way... tickets for the next game on thurs... i wanna watch!!!