fool

why do i always need to play the fool?

i'm really trying so hard to move on and actually leave my past behind... but then, there are people who would just bring it all up again... over and over again... ok, i guess i have played the part of a fool. not just any ordinary fool but the ultimate one... believing that someone who doesn't care loves me... letting someone lead me so off track that everything i did was for him... that the reason for my existence seemed like to surround him... that was foolish... i know that. but people don't have to bring it up again... i have grown up. i now know what is good for me... although i still haven't found a reason for my existence... but don't worry, i still have a lifetime to find that out. so anyway, am i really that gullible? am i that naive to just take what other people say about me without batting an eyelash?

i guess i am.. but i learn... and yet, i still take what others tell me... kaya lagi nalang ako naloloko... nauuto... i know that i think like a child, act like one and specially am still one. but i hope other people wouldn't take advantage of who and what i am... i mean, don't overdo the harsh comments, specially if we aren't close... because i am still a girl and i tend to cry a lot. don't take me for a fool cause i really have a bad temper. don't take my smile so seriously, for sometimes, it is something i put up to disguise a crying face. don't mess with me especially if i'm hyper, for that is when i easily get irritated and mad. and most specially, don't play with me, lead me on and dump me one more time... anyone! for i hold grudges... and i don't believe in the saying "forgive and forget".

so, am i still a fool? someone else out there want to play with me? i get hurt, right, but when i plan a revenge, it's just not a plan on paper, but a plan in action as well. and expect the worst... cause it will really put any plan to shame! am i still young and gullible? would somebody out there take the challenge? play with me, but never play with the heart... cause it plots!

** isang banta... angry mysh...

answer

i can't hide it... it still hurts... it still hurts...

the times that i have spent smiling everything off... i say sorry to the people i was with... i was running away... just like what most people thought... i always run away... even now...

but there are times like this when i can't take it anymore... it still hurts... and right now, i can feel my body breaking down literally... i'm weak... i can't be strong... i never can... the sufferings just won't stop...

why is it that i can't stop my feelings anymore? i hate it... i need an answer not a talk once again...

it still hurts...

tired...

what is happening to the world? is there a discrepancy with the alignment of the planets? what's wrong???

i have been nothing but tired the last few days... i haven't really been doing anything but playing PangYa! just finished studying for our chem test... anyway... the point is, i haven't really been doing something with extreme describing it right? anyway.. this entry?

i have been baking again! like the post on snickerdoodles... i have been enjoying baking once again... i really stopped for a while because i was thinking "what's the point in baking when your inspiration can't get a bite or appreciate what you're baking?" but that's totally wrong! i enjoy baking... i love baking! cookies, muffins, brownies, cakes! actually, i haven't been baking cakes for a while... mainly because i stink at it... not really stink at it... but i don't like the way it ends up... although the taste is good... i think... not only baking by the way, i have also been cooking as seen in my status message in ym... what have i been cooking??? crabs! mostly spiced chili crab with different types of recipe! anyway... i will be continuing baking and cooking... and, still am selling cookies! :D menu?

snickerdoodles, choco oatmeal cookies, choco chip cookies, sugar cookies, peanut butter cookies... and many more! actually, i can't remember :P there's also a handful of muffins! choco chip muffins, apple cinnamon... wah! i really can't remember what i used to bake! anyway, cakes and doughnuts to follow :P

twisted life

racism... what a word?!

since i have been accustomed to Filipino-Chinese culture, here's what i have to say about the Filipino-Chinese...

the Chinese have been known for pre-arranged marriages in the past... one thing for sure? it never works! even though the parents will arrange for them to get to know each other from childhood, it never will work because one way or another, they will learn how to love and not neccessarily with each other. maybe in some cases they will get along, sure... but then, they love each other more as a best friend than a real lover... and if given the chance, they will pick another. nowadays, it's rare to hear such a thing. now, what fil-chi parents say to their children is "dapat lan lang, bwe tswe dit huana..." why? because of racism... here's the scoop, i'm one of them... not really "bawal" but preferably lan lang... gets?

here's the parody.. i am 1/16 Filipino by blood! the mother of my mother's grand mother... so that's my great great grandmother... is a Filipina... and why not?! hahahh! take note : mother! not dad even though my surname is Aquilino, it's really supposed to be Co.

so, racism... why "bawal"? i think i better keep my mouth shut for the mean time cause i really haven't understand all these things yet... they told me i will understand in the future... always a twisted life... but the explanation given to me was to keep the race... see? to keep the blood pure. but it's not pure Chinese already ok? i have pinay blood flowing in my blood stream even though it's only 1/16. oh yeah, the skin color? dilaw parin e

jumbo

last February 26, i attended a baptismal celebration with my dad and brother at St. Peter parish (hindi ko alam kung yan yung tawag basta sa St. Peter). it was baby Piolo's baptismal and birthday celebration. anyway, what was different with this? not so much... there was a magic show during the party, a cake (which was forgotten), guests eating... pretty much the same... different thing? smoking during a 1-year-old birthday party, drinking whiskey, beers and wine, and drinking games to go along with it... i enjoyed it! hahahah! it was a different experience not yet including that the food served which were all seafood was something the dad of the celebrant hate. in short, he didn't eat anything, he just drank and drank and drank... until he was drunk!

anyway, amazing thing about jumbo... a floating boat with an elevator and a very luxurious top floor! here's the pic with my brother taken by my dad...


and there i am... looking just like my dad...

and the night? i was having a drinking party of my own with the martini i brought home from the party! i was drunk ok? i admit it...

it damn fucking hurts!

i always wondered how to fall in love... and yet when i found out, i found out that it is something not worth the search... it f*ck*ng hurts...

i know i promised not to have entries like these anymore... but i can't help it...

i'm moving on... leading a happy life once again... and so it seems. emil asked me a while ago, bakit kung nakikita niya raw ako lagi naman akong masaya... pero lahat ng stat messages ko sa ym lahat depressing. here's a simple answer... my stat messages are the real me. what i put up everyday are the feelings i want to feel but can never really get them. like today, swolen ankle, MEMo revisions, chem short quiz (flunk it again), but what can everyone see? happy mysh... the stress test is the only one that read me right... i ranked red whole day long... i'm anxious... not calm, not contented and not stressed... just plain anxious. but still, i put on a smile for everyone to see. why hide my emotions, my feelings and my thoughts? simply not to worry anyone else... kasi kung sa ym ok lang e... not all status messages are real.

what do i feel right now? i feel like crying because i really don't know what to do. what to believe. and what to say... sa lahat ng mga narinig ko sa nakalipas na taon, hindi ko alam kung ano ang mga dapat kong seryosohin at kung ano ang dapat kong kalimutan... i'm not sure what are my real memories... the things people said to me, mga pinagbitawan na mga salita... hindi ko na alam kung ano ang totoo kong mga alaala... hindi ko alam kung ano ang mga kailangan kong dibdibin at kung ano ang mga kailangan kong limutin ng tuluyan... how i wish someone out there would tell me what they meant when they said those things...

it damn fucking hurts... and all i want to do is hug someone and cry... nothing more, nothing less...

message thread

yapo! been reading some message thread from my highschool e-groups... turns out, almost everyone has been sharing what they miss about the past... how fast is it? i mean, time... it felt that it was just yesterday that we graduated and not a month have pass us by and we were already missing each other... all reunion attempts are just a fantasy... but guess what, even though we don't see each other much, we're still the same... well, most of us anyway...

everytime i opened my e-mail, i can see dozens of messages from our e-groups... unlike other e-groups, i just don't have the heart to just erase every message without reading them... guess what, even though i haven't been posting any messages there, i really miss those guys... every single one of them. as i have said before, even though i'm in dlsu and i know i'm supposed to be happier in my college life, i still think that i have just left the most important part of my life behind... sjcs... my alma mater. and i can't do anything about it though... everybody must move on and this is just one thing... later on in life, we must leave everything behind in order to find our meaning, our purpose...

i guess highschool is still haunting me til this day. and i don't hate it... i can't blame it. highschool has been memorable to me... all the things that i have learned... and trust me, it's those highschool friends who continue to teach me the lessons in life that i must learn in order to mature! they are the ones who taught me how to laugh, to smile, to enjoy life and to cry, to be sad and to be alone... i found what i love to do in highschool... someone drove me to learn how to crochet when i was in third year, to continue on baking when i was in fourth year, to be creative all through out and to write down my feelings... i thank those guys who contantly reminded me that i will never be alone because they are not simply acquaintances but my friends... i thank those whom comforted me when i am so lost and who listened to me even though i am crying... and to those who gave me happiness and a reason to live... simply, my friends!

i guess i am sappy again... right? oh well... all those threaded message must have caught me off guard... oh well... but in reality, everytime i enter sjcs or even just the malacanang compound, all i really feel right now are painful memories in which i thought would be happy memories for the rest of my life... everytime i stand as the ycaza and jp laurel intersection... at the ycaza and uli-uli intersection... at the former zashi, which is now quickee... all memories just enters without asking for my permission... really, i just want to forget everything right now... just like that... but then, bola and the rest said that amnesia will never be the answer... because it's not only the memories i would like to lose will be gone but the lessons that i have learn from them and my friends... and i may repeat the same mistake all over again if ever that happens...

to love is something wrong... that's why i'm sorry...

snickerdoodles

got this recipe from a cook book yesterday while waiting for my mom...

snickerdoodles! the first time i heard of it and actually had so much fun with the name that i tried baking it! it's so simple!

you need :

1/4 c butter
1/4 c shortening
3/4 c sugar
and blend until smooth.
add in :

1 egg
and mix well.
then you simply add in :

1 3/4 c flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cream of tartar
1/8 tsp salt

and mix them all up!
on a separate plate, mix :

2 tbsp sugar
1 tsp cinnamon

roll the mixture into balls and roll them on the sugar mixture. then bake for 15 minutes.

simple right? i shared it! haha! cause it's no secret of mine... try it! it's fun to make and fun to eat! enjoy guys! it's the snickerdoodles!