scared

i'm scared... scared about what's going to happen to me... scared about a lot of things... scared that i might somehow be so miserable that i might just break down... scared that i might lose someone important... scared that i might somehow be the reason for all these...

why is it that i feel this kind of emotion? since when did i get scared by something? i guess i have always been afraid to take risks... i'm no fun... darn it! i hate this... hindi ko alam kung bakit pa akong matakot... kung ano kailangan kong katakutan... siguro dahil dati lagi akong may inaasaan... i look forward to somethings in life... pero ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano na nga ba talaga yun... kung dapat ko bang asahan... kung darating pa yun sa buhay ko... wala na akong pag-asa... siguro kasi ako rin may kasalanan... bakit ko bang kailangang matakot? ano ba dapat kong katakutan? ang tanga ko! i'm so stupid! why do i have to be afraid? siguro kasi wala na rin ako kailangan wala katakutan... i don't feel safe anymore... is it because that i have lost someone dear to me? is it because i thought i lost someone dear to me? this is all so confusing... i want to look for myself for awhile... to take a break, have a long vacation or mabe have a stand still like kei kusanagi from onegai sensei... i think i'm beginning this stage in life again where i can't simply trust anyone anymore... why is that? is i because i have been betrayed for so many times in my life already? so many promises broken? so many torn friendship? bakit ba ang hirap ng buhay? is this my punishment for having a life?

i have so many questions that i know can't be answered... i guess i can't wait any longer... i guess i just have to say goodbye to the life that i have right now and start a new fresh one... but this time, i won't be giving everything anymore... i will keep somethings to myself... no more heart to heart talks with anyone... no more expressing one's self so much... no more giving my love to someone who can never give it back... or to anyone for that matter... i'm done...