it's less than a month, a week, 5 days til Christmas... just like when i was a little kid, i look forward to this Christmas because of all the presents i expect and want to receive. but this Christmas, i have grown... as you can say, i have a grown-up Christmas list. i don't know if it's the effect of college or just the mere fact that i really have grown-up, maybe not over night but quite quickly than i have expected actually.
how can i say that i have matured? well, my wishlist, even though it still has those anime stuff included and some material things, is more... expensive. being a kid, i only wished and hoped to receive some Christmas cards, stuffed toys, pens... and i got disappointed to receive cash, bags or even food! imagine, me! getting upset in receiving cash!!! that must have been so sad... anyway, now, i long to receive it! ok, greediness level so high now!! anyway, i still love the thoughts of receiving stuffed toys anyway... actually, anything will do right now, as long as i know that the peson who gave it means a lot... whether it's in the form of store bought things, home baked muffins or a simple hug... actually, i prefer the last one. a simple hug, something sentimental, from the heart and simply long lasting for my memory!
i gave away myself this Christmas, and it's rare for me to do that. i tied a ribbon around me, and gave myself to Tanya! love ya Tanya! i bet you guys thought of someone else, right?! haha! i would have given myself to that person if i know that he will appreciate it... although i didn't give myself to him, he still took my heart and kept it for himself. aw...
last night, i was talking to some friends of mine about what i wanted to do when i found out that i flunk... i wanted to commit suicide, run away, and just give up. nobody cared about the last two choices... but they really lectured me about the first option, suicide... they told me that it would be very dumb and stupid of me if i did that... i knew that, that's why i didn't do it for the thousandth time that i have thought about it. when i was a little kid, i planned my life out. and the plan was to lie down on my bed on my 18th birthday and die there... thinking about no one else but myself... not thinking about the possible people who might cry... not thinking about the pain some may feel because of my selfishness... i guess i'm dumb that way... so dumb... well, during my 18th birthday, i really didn't lie down on my bed at exactly 6 pm... in fact, i was spending some time with my dad and my brother at a restauraant, pigging out like we usually do!
why then did my plan from when i was a kid subsided? i mean, most of my plans came to be... why not that one? it's not because it's impossible or even hard to attain... it's because i found someone who makes my life worth living... that's sappy!!! oh well, but that's the truth... i found someone who can make my life easier and more enjoyable... someone who makes my life really worth living til the very end... of course, that someone is not alone... i have my friends who supports me all the way thru everything! who am i kidding, everyone i know is so important to me right now that even the thought of death scares the hell out of me! and of course, i know that someone will be very sad if i died... so then, i wouldn't do that even if i said it over and over again, don't worry, sometimes i'm just in a phase...
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