my own...

how can one know that everything is over? that everything must already be forgotten? that it is time to move on? that everything must be left behind and let it be anything but a memory of the past? how could something be like that when it didn't even exists?

how could someone be so sure what is happening? should everything be in the form of words? how about actions? they say that actions speak louder than words... but isn't it nice to hear certain words once in a while?

i'm tired... so tired... tired of what? of waiting for a sure rejection... for waiting for absolutely nothing... for waiting... just that... i'm not sure what will happen in the future... i'm not sure what will happen right this minute... will the food i am cooking burn because i'm writing this entry and leaving it there to cook? you see, i'm not sure... nobody is... and because i'm not sure, i'm scared... i don't know what will happen next... nobody does...

but because of waiting, we soon find out what will happen... we expect too much that we sometimes- or must i say, most of the time - hurt ourselves... we sometimes visualize what will happen, there enters the countless images that flashes before our eyes... and we get the worst case scenario... but even so, we hope and wish for the best for us... and even though we expected the worst, we still get dissappointed about it... it? yeah, it... about not having the best to happen...

patience is a virtue and we need it while waiting for something, or someone. i know i need a lot of it... i have been waiting for something for 7 months now... and still it has not come... how i wish that it comes positively but all this waiting has given me nothing but confusion... how many times have i said that i give up, i don't want this anymore, i'm suffering a lot, i'm pathetic?! a lot!!! in my eighteen years of existence, this is the second time around that i have experience this kind of feeling... the feeling that, i'm sure to face it sooner or later... that it will never come out positive... it's always negative... it's just like multiplying a positive interger and a negative integer... nothing comes out positive... it's always negative...

i know i may sound very depressed right now... i am... i am... i have been everything but happy since march 22, 2005... a very memorable day for me... remind me to be patient even though i know i'm not waiting for something positive and i will only get myself hurt...

i give up... i don't know if i'm sure of this already... but as of now, that is my decision... i can live by myself... i want to be my own... and no one elses...