find peace

will i ever find peace in my life as of now? life has been harsh on me until this very moment. i still don't know what i really want and i still don't know much about myself and my feelings. i seem to always be in a daze, lost and dreaming. i guess some things are meant to stay as dreams or thoughts... because if you did something, it only makes things worst, right? life is always like that, not only to me but to a lot of people out there too... is there such a thing as teen crisis? im still a teenager after all and well, im having these thoughts about life that middle age people are worrying about... and of course, some stuff are still teenage matters... where to go with my life, where i stand in the community, what i will do with myself and what do i really want... i guess what i really want is something i can never achieve... what bores deep inside me, i will never get... what i want most, more than my own life, i could never get hold of it... i guess there are somethings that's destined... that there is such thing as destiny... that others are right when they say it isn't worth it... that i'm what im fighting for will never come to me, that all my efforts are just wasted... that the one i want doesn't really deserve it... that i deserve something better... maybe that's why everyone tells me to move on, to leave everything behind... to forget all about it...

THAT DAMN SUCKS!!!

i mean, duh?! i hate it... i hate everything! i wish a special moment of my life would just freeze up like that... that i would be able to enjoy it for a long time... that i don't have to worry about good byes or awkwardness... that i deserve something in life... that i can get just one thing that i love... just one... please? but what can i do about it, what can anybody do about it?! nothing... cause there's nothing that can help me get what i want, what i love... it damn hurts! it really hurts... i mean, bakit ba iniisip ng tao na iintayin ko pang masaktan, na yun lang, ang pagsabing hindi talaga pwede hurts me and buries me alive? i mean, i know that they simply just care about me and i shouldn't take anything personally, besides, the other party doesn't even want it... then why do i still continue to give everything? and i know that later on in life i would just fall and crumble into pieces... then why don't i just back out right now, kung kelan kaya pa? maybe i just can't... maybe it's just too late... it's just too late... i have decided and it's rare that i have a final decision... i'm just an unlucky girl... and a lost princess once again...

"kelan ka... " dapat kong sagot, "kung kaya mo nang ibalik ang binibigay ko sayo..."