the right thing

tell me what i'm doing is wrong... tell me what i'm doing is right...

is it so hard to differentiate the two? it is when you're helplessly a victim of the thing called love. letting go is the best thing to do when the feeling is not mutual right? but then, why is it that the best thing to do is bringing you painful sadness, endless sufferings and unlimited source of confusion? weird isn't it? so, please tell me that what i'm doing is right... or is it wrong? here's one thing, it's such joy to be with someone that you actually feel heaven right then and there... but haven't you thought that it could also be hell for it brings happiness and sadness the next? what is this thing called love anyway? i have posted several entries here over the past months, explaining love, infatuation or obsession... but i really don't get what it is really... it's an abstract thing which different people have different way of looking at it... right?

tell me what i'm doing is right and in fact, the smartest thing that i have done... let go because i know there is never going to be a fruit there and i'm just wasting my time... but also tell me that what i'm doing is probably the most stupid thing that i have done for in fact, i'm running away from something that's there... and i'm not making it an advantage to learn something new, like getting hurt and being rejected. tell me that i'm suffering because of my own doings, that i'm experiencing all these because i didn't listen to my thoughts in the first place... that i'm suffering because of my emotions and because of all the punishments that i have imposed on myself... tell me that punishing one's self is pure stupidity... that i really have a reason to live and no one is worth giving my life up... that no person, even someone who matters most to me is worth dying for...

tell me all these because i can't listen to myself... i can't figure out a way to convince myself that this never ending loneliness is just my thoughts... tell me that i really love him too much to hate him too... tell me to stop all these nonsense and go on with my life... to pretend that this feelings never existed... that all these never happened... to give me amnesia is probably the best thing to do...

i can't take this anymore... i simply care too much to make myself scarce from his life... i simply love him too much to ignore him or resist him... and i'm too stupid to have fallen deeply in love with him...

sleeping haven

wala na akong ginawang matino sa buhay ko! ngayon, denedeprive ko sarili ko from the right to talk to people... in short, ina-isolate ko sarili ko!!! wow, ang lungkot! bakit naman and in what way? ganito yun... i'm not checking my e-mails, laging busy stat sa ym ko kahit hindi like ngayon, wala naman ako ginagawa and hindi ako tulog pero busy and sleeping status ko, right now, cellphones ko nasa kama at machecheck ko nalang ulit yun kung too late na mga messages, blog naman, hindi na lagi blog right, tulad ng dati... and landline, wala naman importansya sa akin yun e... kanina, kausap ko pldt! kachika! anyway, bakit naman? kasi ganito yun... lately, depressed ako sa buhay... i mean, tinatry ko makalimutan ang iisang taong sobrang mahal ko ngayon... parang lam ko sasabihin ng mga taong nakakakilala sa akin na hindi ko talaga kaya yun... but this one, kaya nga miserable buhay ko ngayon di ba?

hay, next to that, mga responsibilities ko ngayon sa buhay, sa org and sa studies... parang may mga pagkakaiba di ba? mali! priority one palang yan! priority two na siguro yung mag ipon ng pera dahil masyado na ako magastos at ang pagtulog...and last priority nalang yung pasayahin ang sarili ko... marami nanaman magsesermon sa akin dito sa sinabi ko!!! ewan ko, there are some happy times naman e... pero ngayon, mas inuuna ko na ang mga bagay na kelangan ko talaga... i'm trying this time management guide na tinuro ng osac last time and sad to say, but pretty funny actually, that i'm failing big time!!! lagi akong sabog, out of control and lagi panic button!!! tapos as for making myself happy or pampering myself, let's just say na hindi pa dumarating yun since last year... pamatay!

as for the L word... ayun nga, pinamamanhid ko na ang sarili ko... wala ng emosyon besides being happy about everything... gets niyo? yung tipong inis na ako, wala, happy parin... tipong asar na ako at gusto ko ng batukan at sipain yung tao, wala, happy parin... tipong gusto ko ng umiyak at tumakbo nalang sa hirap, wala, happy parin... weird ko na noh??? super tanga ko na... lahat dahil san? dahil sa gusto ko iwanan ang nakaraan... yaw ko ng balikan at maranasan.. mahirap masaktan... at ayaw ko na mangyari ulit sa akin yun... kaya't iiwasan ko nalang habang maaga pa... yung tipong sasabihin sayo "may iba pa dyan na magmamahal sayo, hindi lang ako" or something like that... now, gusto ko bumalik sa pagtulog!!! sleeping haven!

from the outside looking in

why different scenery? it is because i'm outside and i'm looking in... outside is my world while the sunset is the one i hope to acheive... a very beautiful scene that can be seen just for a little while and yet so beautiful and so simple. it's like, yes, my world there is also nice but the sunset makes it even better, right? so, that's why the different time in the pic... what do you guys think???

love is when...

"when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth." ~from an e-mail sent to me.

they were said to be surveying children of ages 4-8 for definitions of love i think. and among all the answers, i like this one the best. it's from a 4-year old kid... and hey, i think it's true. but for me? love is when...

love is when all fantasies are erased and replaced with reality.

why is that? fantasies aren't real. they are simply imaginations or something fairytale writers or movie script writers put in our minds. duh! while reality is the everyday sweet life that we bring to ourselves.

teambuilding

i miss my laptop, sun signal, dsl, phone, tv, cable and aircon!!!

after a long weekend at frontier ranch, tanay, rizal... i have realized all the things and people that i have taken for granted! you can say that it was some kind of spiritual opening for me too! ok, our teambuilding was full of fun and so tiresome!!! we hiked for 2 hours and then went rapelling in the afternoon, then our team activities and bonfire under the full moon until 12 midnight... and that was only for yesterday! the day before was somewhat tiring because of the trip... we got lost and ended up on the other mountain!!! so, here are some nature pics that i have taken from our first morning, hiking, my rapelling experience and our last sunset there :D



























for more pics visit my photo page and our sme photobucket.

forget

how can you forget an anniversary? the most memorable moment? the most unforgettable smile? your first kiss? your first love? or even something that you put your heart into? or the simplest hello from a friend? or maybe something you did that required you to gather all your guts...

in life, that's one thing in life that i need to lie about... i never forget. even though there are somethings that i don't intend to remember, i remember them... even a birthday of someone i never really liked, it's still here in my mind. i don't even know why... maybe there are just somethings in life that isn't fair... that are just meant to continue on hurting you and leaving you in pain for the rest of your life... making it painstaking and miserable to live on. how can we forget them? how can i learn how to forget things that i really want to forget?

i was told that looking for a hobby gets your mind off things... i got lots of hobbies! but then, when i'm engaged in something, the more my mind goes running back to that something that i want to forget? i engaged in various activities and became active in night outs... but then, the moment i open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out but the one i want to forget... or maybe i would keep silent about that something but deep inside my head, there it is... running around and not letting me live my life as i want to. i know i have total control of my life, my body and my decisions... but this i ask... do we have total control of our brains and our emotions? i'm not really sure what to answer if i will be the one being asked. maybe i would say that we have because we do want we want... that's why the total control of our brains... and as for the emotions, we laugh when we want to and stop when we want to. easy right? wrong... why is that? because we don't have control over our brains when we go to sleep... when we dream about stuff or anything else... we don't have control over our emotions, because when something happens and we don't really want it to happen or we just can't simply face the facts, even though we don't want to cry... we tend to cry.

1 philosophy i want to believe in... "to see is to believe." what i don't see, i will not believe that it even exists. one example? the most annoying and confusing emotion there is, love. i'm not even sure if it exists. first of all, you can't see it, you can't hear it, you can't smell it nor can you touch it. how can you say you're in love? how could you even say that you know the feeling of being in love when your five senses can't even sense it? what? intuition? intuition or instincts can be mistaken... because it is something you just tend to believe but not really analyze it and take it to careful considerations... it is simply a hunch... something unreal, something you just thought of, the first thing that popped into your mind.

back to forgetting... i was also told not to think about it... the question is... how??? they make it sound so easy... so simple and yet when you try to do it... it's just so complicated. you can't simply forget the past... move on and act like nothing happened! because in reality, something did happen that's why you want to escape from it, forget it! turn your back and walk away, sounds easy right? the moment you reach your sanctuary, you cry, bang your head unto the wall or bang at a table or simply throw everything in sight... emotion... simply emotion. see? you can't see it but it eats you up... one by one... pieces to pieces until you're left there alone, crawling, hoping that there will be someone out there to help you back up because you are too weak to stand on your own and get back on your life... what more if you want to pace things up? ah! having high expectations to finish something and get ahead of everyone then suddenly you tripped and everyone else went ahead of you. ouch right? it's like you lost everything and your life... it's like there's no one to light the candle in front of you in order to see where you're supposed to go. how could you forget that time? how could you simply ignore that everything happened? how could you simply walk away from such a painful memory?

i think the world is a painful place to live and dwell upon... the people around us makes it even harder. but then, there are those special people who will be able to lighten up your burden, help you get back on your knees... and you won't forget them... there are just somethings that you want to leave in the past and never bring them with you... but still, there are somethings that no matter how much you want to get rid of, they're still with you because they are also the ones you lighten up your road in some path of your journey...

let me repeat my question again... how could i forget something or someone so important to me? how could i forget the most memorable thing that happened? how could i forget the wishes that had been fulfilled? how could i forget someone i put my whole life into? how could i forget something i put all my guts into? how could i forget the most spectacular feeling that i have ever felt? how could i forget something that has an impact in my individuality? how could i forget the person who made everything possible? how could i forget the person who i have loved so much? and most importantly, how could i forget how to love?

a lot like love

damn this thing called love!

bakit ba ang tao takot masaktan pero pag nagmamahal kinakaya nalang lahat ng sakit? tapos get this, parang ano ngayon kung mahal mo di ba? sabi nila ang babae daw hindi pwede unang kumilos... play it hard to get... damn it! e pero kung alam mo naman di ba na mahal ka nung guy and you really love him bakit mo pa papalampasin hanggang sa araw na umalis siya iiyak iyak ka naman... tapos parang wak! nanghinayang ka lang.. sayang di ba? ayan ang reaksyon ko sa pelikulang "a lot like love".

damn! super gusto ko panuurin ito... as in inintay ko pa talaga at pinagtiyagaan idownload, get this, sa emule and hindi sa torrent. tapos here's what i get, a glimpse of reality. na napakatanga lang talaga nung girl! i mean mahal na nga siya ni oliver then she goes saying "don't, you'll ruin the moment..." argh! bakit ba? what's her deal? takot ba siyang saktan yung guy kasi mahal niya? and then oliver goes away... ayan... hahanap hanapin niya naman. why not give long distance relationship a chance di ba? don't get me wrong, i liked the movie... maganda pero hello! maybe yun yung nagpaganda sa movie... na pareho silang... argh! it's so frustrating!!! pero gets mo? hindi naman dapat ganun na mahirap lang and it won't work out... damn! how could they even know if it will work out f they don't even try?! kung mahal nila ang isa't isa, kahit na may dumating na iba hindi sila gagawa ng mali di ba? hindi dapat... once they did it, maybe they weren't meant for each other or one of thm is not yet ready... di ba?

ok ok... sorry, i was going to burst if i don't tell someone those things... so, sorry for the language... i just got carried away by the movie... sure it's nice... :D

hamtaro!!!

Which
Hamtaro character are you?

nba rants

here's the thing... a lot of people have been discouraging me about kobe bryant, los angeles laker's shooting guard... it all started the night kobe scored a whooping 62 pts againsts the mavericks and out scoring the entire mavericks team at the end of the third quarter.

as long as i can remember, i grew up cheering for utah jazz's karl malone againsts chicago bulls' michael jordan during the jazz-bulls season... and then, the kobe-shaq team was born and i cheered for la lakers since then. now that shaq is on miami heat, i still cheer for the lakers even though a lot of people would tell me that they will lose... big time! that they wouldn't even enter the top 4 or some, top 8 because of kobe's arrogant attitude. well, he has the right coz he's not all talk... he is great! you can't deny that fact. of course, i also cheer for other teams, like san antonio spurs, sacramento kings and now, phoenix... wah! can't remember... anyway, but i still enjoy cheering for lakers... they are the ones who can move me out of my seat, cheer at the top of my lungs even though i know it wouldn't do any good... and they simply are the best for me! trust me, i don't even know half the team's players! but hey, what can i do? i love the way the team moves, phil jackson's coaching skills and kobe bryant's admirable talent!

i have been thru a lot of arguements about kobe's fame. it was even in my ym status! oh well, for you guys out there who still doesn't want to believe me how people look up to kobe... here'e red hot chili pepper's bassist's, flea, nba blog

orange mirage

orange mirage!

shooting thru my head

wonder what it is

i never want it to end

oasis right in front of me

wonder how far

is it real

or is it hoax

il never know

until i see the orange mirage

again

what about the blue sky

infinite and yet reachable

clear but not clear

blackened with grey soot

nowhere to go

but the oasis ahead

i never wanted to go

but then it was there

i went there and fell

into the deep blue lake

i cant escape and yet

it feels so wonderful

to be there

alone

and then i cant breath

i want to escape

it let me

but i cant

i cant tear away

from it

sad sad me

how i long to live

and yet the lake kept me alive

but in pain

and more pain

let me go

let me free once again

i dont want to suffer anymore

there you go

you are free to go

but why cant you leave

i ask that myself

i feel so happy and yet so much in pain

theres just so much of the lake

i cant get enough of it

hopefully i will let go

and leave the oasis very soon

but then once it appears

once again

i know i will fall in again

until that day comes

i will leave myself to myself

i wont give myself up

to anything else

oh wonderful oasis

its sad you came into my life

but then without you

i have no more reason

to live i saw the mirage

whole day long

i felt my heart skip

and my feet stop

i felt cold

for awhile

but then it was you

the lake once again

i thought you were gone

and never coming back

but then you're here

haunting me again

it hurts me to see you

but then it hurts me not to

why did you came into

my life

you made it happy

and yet miserable

you come and go

leaving me in pain

aren't you tired of hurting me again and again

im tired of you

or the lies you told me

you led me on

and yet

im so stupid to believe

i wanted so much to just forget you

leave you as a painful past

and yet you keep coming back

and the truth arises

i cant leave you

or forget about you

i cant live without you

my little crystal clear lake

it pains me to see you go once again

but then a bit happy still

i really dont know what to think

theres nothing around me

but the orange mirage once again

im back!

after the new year, i have been nothing but relaxed... here i am, sitting in front of the desktop once again after a long time and now i'm updating... anyway... after not updating for a few days, i guess most guys are glad that i'm not writing nonstop jibberish anymore... i have just been exploring the web, looking for stuffs to spice up my blog and yet, the new year is here and still the same old layout... but there are some polls over at the exit links if you guys want to vote!!!

anyway, here's today's thought... "aking hiling mapasakin dating matamis na pagtinggin. nananalig, nananabik sayong matamis na paghalik. bakit pa ba ako'y napaasa? ngayo'y nag-iisa, kung mababalik ko lang..."

i heard this from a song last night while going to our father's side family reunion...though it has been edited by me to match my mood... i loved the lyrics and somewhat the melody...though, i don't know the title nor the artist... anyway... everything is so dramatic... you can barely see anything not serious about it... it is oh so serious... right? touching still! i think from what i heard from most of the song (my head was flying by the time the song finished the chorus) it's about a guy... he didn't confessed to the girl he like and is now regretting every single moment of it... it's like, why let go if you think you could take the risk of rejection? the girl was showing some signs that she also likes the guy and there the guy was, making his "torpe-ness" get the best of him... and now he regrets everything because whenever he saw the girl, she was with another guy. and then the bridge went like, why did the girl show signs that they could be together and yet they were not together at the end... now he's alone and wishing that he could bring back everything that was in the past...

how can i relate to this? i don't know, maybe because i really want something but i never ever ever can get it...