love F*cking sucks

love f****** s*cks!

why's that? love unsaid is love wasted, and yet love said can only be turned down... love unsaid is called infatuation and love said is obsession... argh! i really can't understand it!!!

wait! paano mo malalaman kung kayo na ba o hindi pa?! is there some kind of confirmation on both parties? or basta nalang? i mean, gets niyo? kailangan bang alam ng 2 tao na sila na? o pwede ba sila na hindi sila kahit na mahal nila ang isa't isa?! o pwede ba ang isang tao magkaroon ng kasintahan na hindi niya man lang alam? damn this thing called love!

wait! paano mo nga naman pala malalaman na mahal mo ang isang tao? kasi ako, meron isang tao na sobrang care ako para sa kanya, na gusto ko siya makadama ng kaligayahan lagi dahil na rin sa tuwing nakikita ko siya na malungkot or alam ko na may problema siya, nananakit din ang puso ko... nakadarama rin ako ng matinding kalungkutan... hindi lang yun, itong taong to, napakahalaga sa akin, maya't maya ang dati naming pagsabi sa isa't isa ang gusto naming ipaalam sa isa't isa... walang taguan pero kahit papaano, palihim parin ata... kahit na alam na namin ang sasabihin ng isa't isa... kung kami'y magkasama, kahit na walang sinasabi sa isa't isa ay napapasaya niya na ako... basta't nasa tabi ko siya at masaya siya, masaya na rin ako. kaya niyang paikutin ang mundo ko sa simpleng text niya o sa tuwing makikita ko siya. ano nga ba ito?!

nakakalitong pag-ibig... matamis ngunit maasim... malakas ngunit mahina... masaya ngunit nakakalito... tahimik ngunit magulo...

ano nga ba ang pag-ibig? dapat ba itong ipamahagi sa iba? dapat ba ito ilabas at ipaalam? ipaalam sa buong mundo o sa maspopular na tawag PDA? o ipaalam sa taong minamahal mo lang??? meron bang tao na nabubuhay upang ipaintindi sa akin itong napaka sakim na emosyon na ito?

naruto and bleach

Which Naruto Character Are You?
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Take The Quiz Yourself!

i have been watching 59 (minus 46-48) episodes of bleach since saturday... as for naruto, there's the weekly download every thursday together with bleach! so, anyway, rumor has it that bleach will be having a 22 filler episode run jst like in naruto. but i guess naruto has a longer filler spell... anyway, i will still keep on watching!!! oh yeah, i'm downloading 46-48 of bleach right now...

ipaglalaban ko ang ating pag ibig!

i finally got what i wanted, to be busy beyond anything. i'm swamped! anyway, i got the time to type in an entry here just to let you guys know that i am still updating and i haven't died and gone to heaven just yet... anyway, i got a little of this and a little of that. so, what's this entry about? since the night bev congratulated me and told me that i will have the responsibility in taking over our newsletter, MEMo, i got scared. i'm scared... as in really scared. i have never felt this scared in my life, i'm afraid of a lot of things, of haunted house, cockroaches, cat's eyes... and many more, but his feeling is eating me up... why? it's not just the responsibility, i think i can handle that now... but because i felt like i have lost someone dear to me. and who is that? it's me... i have lost myself... where have i gone to? the old me? the one who never takes anything seriously, the one who always laughs at anything that comes her way, the one who never takes no for an answer... why is life hard? the more i live, the more i want to give up everything...

my death

i will die on August 6, 2026 according to www.deathclock.com

know your death!

life's like too long

Life's like too long... still, sometimes it's just too short... why's that whatever things we want, we can never get? my dad sent me a text message last time, though the ending was a joke, the first words were the ones that stung...

"luv is unfair. pgmhal mo d kyo pwede 4ever..."

that hurts... but still, it's true. life's too long like that... then if you want to forget about certain things, life's still too long... but then when you have forgotten about everything, it all seems so short... life seems so complicated for everyone... not only me. why does life have so many limitations? when one of my favorite sayings is "the sky's the limit" ??? i guess some people are just meant to have their feet on the ground, they are never allowed to leave the ground... never allowed to fly high... never allowed to reach cloud nine... i guess somethings need not to be touched... need not to be harmed... need not to be interfered... life's unfair, no?

NO!

i guess life has it's reasons, God has His reasons why eveything is happening to us, why we make wrong decisions, follow the wrong path, make the wrong steps and maybe sometimes fall... maybe that's one way of showing us that life really is fair... that life can never be beautiful without change, without being wrong, without making mistakes... why is that? me, i can't imagine saying that life back then was beautiful when everything is perfect and just the way i wanted it to be when i'm not seeing different things now... if i didn't go to college, i guess what i will be saying is life in SJCS still sucks because of all the things we needed to do, all the Chinese characters we needed to memorize, all the extra curricular activities we have to endure... but now, that i stepped into college, all i'm saying about SJCS is... it's the best always has been and always will be! not only because of all those stuff mentioned before, but also because of the people i have ben accustomed to... the friends that i have made, the loved ones who i saw each and everyday, the simple hi's, hello's and ingats i receive everyday, it's all enough to say i love being a Judenite and i wouldn't have exchanged it for anything else! i guess having a change in life is not so bad... even though college so far, for me, sucks and no one is even bothering to make it better for me... i don't know, but it seems that whatever i do, i still can't get to like my block... i still hate it... and i'm glad that next term, i will be seeing less of them. evil mysh, call me whatever you like... but really, i just can't bring myself to like my block, to enjoy their company in class, i just hate being with all of them all at the same time. sorry... i still love my friends back in SJ, and i miss you guys so dearly! i'm thankful that thanksgiving is fast approaching... i get to spend some time with some friends. even though i have done nothing the weekend before but to be with them... i guess i just can't get enough of them...

life's too long and yet too short... quite ironic isn't it? so, whatever you guys have right now, i suggest you treasure them and spend life like there's no end... because you will never know when it will end and how it will end... even a simple hello, treasure it and remember it for the rest of your life!

comment?

Christmas

34 days til Christmas... am i right? hahahaha!!! i have been browsing thru some stuff in the net... about 70's fashion, our research and things for my wish list since it's almost Christmas...

why 70's fashion? SME's yule boogie's theme is the 70's... i guess i'm pretty excited about it and am looking up things form the 70's and guess what i've found? the most awesome diggity! lava lamps, hypnotic patterns and what i love most about the 70's? platform shoes!!!

things for my wishlist... i have updated my wishlist yesterday actually, i really like those things there although i must admit, they're in my wishlist because they cost quite a small fortune... in short, my pocket can't afford those stuff... well, except maybe for the lava lamps oh well... the other stuffs are found on the internet, some from e-bay and some are to be ordered... really, i adore all the haro and naruto stuff!!! i simply want another haro plush toy and a naruto scroll duffle bag!!!

anyway, we watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire last friday then went to greenbelt to eat... then on saturday, kenevvy treat us to a very luxurious dinner!!! choco haven!!! i was so full!!! anyway, then we went to greenbelt again... 2 consecutive nights in greenbelt... what more can i ask for in my weekend? i slept the day away... just like that... i still am tired though... not really as tired as i should be but still tired... i guess too much excitement just burns a whole through my energy ball!

scared

i'm scared... scared about what's going to happen to me... scared about a lot of things... scared that i might somehow be so miserable that i might just break down... scared that i might lose someone important... scared that i might somehow be the reason for all these...

why is it that i feel this kind of emotion? since when did i get scared by something? i guess i have always been afraid to take risks... i'm no fun... darn it! i hate this... hindi ko alam kung bakit pa akong matakot... kung ano kailangan kong katakutan... siguro dahil dati lagi akong may inaasaan... i look forward to somethings in life... pero ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano na nga ba talaga yun... kung dapat ko bang asahan... kung darating pa yun sa buhay ko... wala na akong pag-asa... siguro kasi ako rin may kasalanan... bakit ko bang kailangang matakot? ano ba dapat kong katakutan? ang tanga ko! i'm so stupid! why do i have to be afraid? siguro kasi wala na rin ako kailangan wala katakutan... i don't feel safe anymore... is it because that i have lost someone dear to me? is it because i thought i lost someone dear to me? this is all so confusing... i want to look for myself for awhile... to take a break, have a long vacation or mabe have a stand still like kei kusanagi from onegai sensei... i think i'm beginning this stage in life again where i can't simply trust anyone anymore... why is that? is i because i have been betrayed for so many times in my life already? so many promises broken? so many torn friendship? bakit ba ang hirap ng buhay? is this my punishment for having a life?

i have so many questions that i know can't be answered... i guess i can't wait any longer... i guess i just have to say goodbye to the life that i have right now and start a new fresh one... but this time, i won't be giving everything anymore... i will keep somethings to myself... no more heart to heart talks with anyone... no more expressing one's self so much... no more giving my love to someone who can never give it back... or to anyone for that matter... i'm done...

butterfly kisses

here's a song i really adore right now... butterfly kisses by michael bolton... honestly, i just heard it from my cousin's wedding last 12 of november... and the one i have downloaded seemed to be cut...

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's Daddy's Little Girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all:
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, It's my first ride"
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, But I sure tried."

Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning
And butterfly kisses at night.
Sweet sixteen today
She's looking like her momma a little more every day
One part woman, the other part girl
To perfume and make-up, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.
All the precious time
Oh, like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly.
She'll change her name today
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the brideroom just staring at her
She asks me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over
and gave me butterfly kisses with her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair.
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, It's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses.
I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is what love is
I know I've got to let her go
But I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

waw... oh well... it's really nice! try to listen to it... too bad i cant find a midi which i can simply put in here as my background... anyway, here's the midi and cut mp3,
butterfly kisses midi
butterfly kisses mp3

the story of my life

as of the past few months, i have been ranting non stop about how unfair life is, how cruel and unjust... well, now, here's my story:

after examining myself and have partly found what i have been looking for, i came up with a decision... i must move on, and i will move on! damn, that was really not too hard to decide about, but why just now when i think everything is too late? because now i'm afraid, i finally sensed fear and am actually experiencing it... no sense denying that now... i am afraid... afraid of what? of so many things and particularly, losing another friend... i can't take another fall and i hate the feeling of being alone. especially if it's my best friend who would be leaving me alone... it's hard. i guess best friends are really just not meant to be more than that, huh? well, i figured it out after almost two falls, good thing the second one didn't go straight ahead and hit me straight on... thanks guys, for everything. you know who you guys are, thanks for opening my eyes. anyway, it's really not hard for me now, since i know what people will tell me, what some friends would advice to me... although, maxi, i'm still waiting for you. :D

so, now, i know how life can be so unfair and at the same time, how life can be so sweet... i don't know how it even became sweet for me, basta, yun na yun... don't doubt me for a second... that's the story of my life, a big wheel and it turns almost non stop... oh, it stops, and usually, it stops at the bottom not just for a short time, but a very long spell... sad but true...

find peace

will i ever find peace in my life as of now? life has been harsh on me until this very moment. i still don't know what i really want and i still don't know much about myself and my feelings. i seem to always be in a daze, lost and dreaming. i guess some things are meant to stay as dreams or thoughts... because if you did something, it only makes things worst, right? life is always like that, not only to me but to a lot of people out there too... is there such a thing as teen crisis? im still a teenager after all and well, im having these thoughts about life that middle age people are worrying about... and of course, some stuff are still teenage matters... where to go with my life, where i stand in the community, what i will do with myself and what do i really want... i guess what i really want is something i can never achieve... what bores deep inside me, i will never get... what i want most, more than my own life, i could never get hold of it... i guess there are somethings that's destined... that there is such thing as destiny... that others are right when they say it isn't worth it... that i'm what im fighting for will never come to me, that all my efforts are just wasted... that the one i want doesn't really deserve it... that i deserve something better... maybe that's why everyone tells me to move on, to leave everything behind... to forget all about it...

THAT DAMN SUCKS!!!

i mean, duh?! i hate it... i hate everything! i wish a special moment of my life would just freeze up like that... that i would be able to enjoy it for a long time... that i don't have to worry about good byes or awkwardness... that i deserve something in life... that i can get just one thing that i love... just one... please? but what can i do about it, what can anybody do about it?! nothing... cause there's nothing that can help me get what i want, what i love... it damn hurts! it really hurts... i mean, bakit ba iniisip ng tao na iintayin ko pang masaktan, na yun lang, ang pagsabing hindi talaga pwede hurts me and buries me alive? i mean, i know that they simply just care about me and i shouldn't take anything personally, besides, the other party doesn't even want it... then why do i still continue to give everything? and i know that later on in life i would just fall and crumble into pieces... then why don't i just back out right now, kung kelan kaya pa? maybe i just can't... maybe it's just too late... it's just too late... i have decided and it's rare that i have a final decision... i'm just an unlucky girl... and a lost princess once again...

"kelan ka... " dapat kong sagot, "kung kaya mo nang ibalik ang binibigay ko sayo..."

eng night

still tired from eng night... the excitement and all the fun stuff! hahahah!! :D i really enjoyed my first and probably last eng night... happy 60th anniversary coe of dlsu! anyway, the concert was fun, great bands like, akafellas, mojofly, sugarfree, hale and rivermaya! although we got tired of just standing around there so we sat down on a bench and listened to the concert at a slightly near distance. So, here are some pics we took... not really all about the concert, just us, and the fireworks :D nice fireworks by the way!


akafellas, taken by karlo cortez... can't see anything from our place :P


in front of z2, taken by porman :D


still in front of z2... wacky, taken by porman :D


fireworks during the end of the concert, taken by me! :D

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OK!

you guys probably think that i went a little over the edge right now, typing random letters and numbers on my keyboard... well, maybe yes and still maybe no... why's that? everytime im in front of any computer, i want to just put my hands on the keyboard and start pressing random keys... though sometimes i form words (look at the one on top if there's any) and sometimes, i just type in some gibberish stuff... that's one way of how i handle stress... hahahha!!! though im not stressed right now... im pretty relax actually and looking forward for the eng week... i just thought that i would share something with you guys, open up my weird hobbies...

1. i like to poke on things... i really do! it's like haptics... i want to feel the tingling sensation at my finger tips... ok... nerdy much! but seriously, i really do enjoy poking on stuff, that's why i love buttons, cellphone and the keyboard!!! specially the clickety sound... :P

2. i adore my baby pillow!!! (let's skip this one out!)

3. i love the smell of a newly scratched match... the one which just underwent friction and have flame already... and the smell that candles give off when it is lighted.

i guess those are a few... the rest? next time! :D

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Emilia

last nov 1, our family, dad side, went to the Chinese cemetery to visit our "sleeping" relatives. i saw Joyce and Kurstin there respectively... i saw Joyce on the way to visiting my sister's grave. i learned some stuff about my sister... after 18 years i have actually seen where she is resting.

My sister is older than me for almost 4 years. She was born on the 27th day of october 1983. ironic for me when i suddenly realized that our supposed feast day was the same day, october 27. anyway, her name is Emilia L. Aquilino and she died on the same day she was born... in short, she was born dead.

I wonder what life would be like if i still have my older sister with me... maybe i would be much into girly stuff or we both would be so much interested in pretty much the same things that i'm into now. wonder if i would be a totally different person if she was around while i'm growing up or still be the same me... wow, i never thought i would say this but i wish i had an older sister or a younger sister. i mean, a brother is not bad but another girl in the family wouldn't hurt right? but then there's the possibility that if my sister were alive, maybe i would not be here right now... why? because each and everytime dad's friends would ask why he only have two kids, he would say, "one boy and one girl is enough" that's why. but then again, it would have been so much fun during my childhood until today if my older sister is around. of course i also have a lot of cousins who are older than me, but still having someone with exactly the same surname would be a lot of fun. last time, i think my mom or my dad was the one who told me that my sister looked exactly like me... maybe i'm her? gyahahha! like that would ever be possible.

my love for books

Been reading a lot lately... of James Patterson's Alex Cross novels! here's what i have read so far:

1. Along Came a Spider
2. Kiss the Girls
3. Jack & Jill
4. Cat & Mouse
*5. Pop Goes the Weasel
*6. Roses are Red
7. Violets are Blue
*8. Four Blind Mice
9. The Big Bad Wolf
10. London Bridges
11. Mary, Mary

I'm still reading Four Blink Mice though...in the middle of reading it... and guess what, it's the first book i have checked out of the dlsu library! :D gyahahhaha!!! addicted!