bemused

still has me thinking... what i was thinking about last night seems to be stucked in my head... i just can't help it. i mean, what am i doing wrong? am i doing something wrong? i know i am not doing anything to hurt other people or putting others at any risk... only me... and our friendship... i mean... i don't know... i really am just confused. if i changed myself in order for me to forget him... is it still me who will be walking and living my life as it is? i mean, of course it will be the same me... but it's not the me who everybody knows... i guess i really don't have to change anything in me... people will just have to accept me for who i am. and it's really my choice if i want to give myself some thought... of course, i do... but not that often... maybe once in a while but never always. this holy week, i promise to think about it... what i will do... what i will not do... and what i've got to do... i mean, i need to face my fears sooner or later... since i'm not doing anything this week, i guess i'll just have to find myself... to meditate... to clear my mind off everything for a while...

anyway, been a little down lately... i wish to shrug the feeling and the tremendous weight off... wish not many people knows about it... no offense but they are just making me feel inferior... the more they give me advices what to do and others even tell me what to do, the more i think about it... the more it burdens me. you know, when there was just 5 of us who knows about this, i didn't have any problems at all... i mean, i live my life as it is... having kilig moments at the back of people who doesn't know and in front of my closer friends who knows... those were the simpler times when i don't have to tell the same story over and over again... but i can't help it... the people who get intrigued by it seems to multiply like mushrooms... i mean, i know i am that obvious already since i don't have any control with my emotions, my eyes and what i do around him... but do they have to be so... so... i don't know... questionny?! about it?

argh... life really is confusing... life is just so hard for me right now... i don't know what to do about it... i just want to lay back on my bed, stare at the ceiling, hugging my "haro", just stay there and watch myself waste my life away... just watch others struggle their way into death... and meanly enjoy it... why do i have to care so much and to suffer so much? is it not enough for me to be mean to everyone and don't suffer too much? is that something so big to ask for? why do i have to be me?!