entries after entries of ridiculing love... why is that so? maybe because i'm telling myself to get rid of the horrible feeling... or maybe i'm convincing myself that it is of no use or that i would never even receive any of it... or maybe both... but what is the topic to me anyway? the real meaning? the hidden truth and desire?
the most abused word, love... it is something that ruins a person for the better. you learn to stand up once again after being pushed down, rejected and spit on. it is something that you could never forget even though how many times it has come to you. it is something to open up your senses when you have lost it. and close yourself when you have it.
when is it love to me then?
love is when you wake up in the middle of the night and find yourself wearing a big grin on your face from a dream including your love one. it is when you find yourself crying when you wake up from a nightmare that consist of losing that someone. love is when you can talk to someone straight even though you have looked at the mirror and found a horrible looking person in front of you. it is when you simply like to spend hours silent while looking into each others eyes. it is when you cry because you simply miss him. it is when you hurt when he hurts to. it is when you can't stand the deep plop in your heart when you see him sad... or you're too concern with him when you know that something is not right. love is when you stand in the middle of everyone else and not noticing any of the surroundings because your mind is floating somewhere else...
it is when i can't saying anything to you because i'm scared i might screw things up... it is when i can't handle knowing you are not feeling fine... it it when i worry sick because i know that you are not happy... it is when i have butterflies in my stomach because i feel that i will see you... it is when i can't say anything serious because i can't stand seeing you sad... it is when i cry everytime you ignore me... it is when i feel all confuse when i hear something about you from others... it is when i defend everything bad that others say about you... it is when i put away all my doubts and just believe you... it is when i cry because i miss you... it is when i wake up in the middle of the night and cry because of a bad dream of you walking pass me... it is when i get serious about everything in my life because there is no one else in my mind but you... it is when i think about the future because i only see it with you... it is when i write sappy poems because of the feelings all bottled up inside me... it is when i can't sleep because of walking back down to our memory lane... it is when i want you here beside me because my world is falling in shambles without you... it is when i do little things because i want you to be happy... it is when i simply love you because you're you... and to me, you're perfect...
it seems like i really like this L word... and i really want to feel it too even though i know that it is what makes my life miserable right now...
i love you... always will and as i said, i'm always here for you no matter what...
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