johari

find me good points...
find me bad points...

been watching nonstop anime today because classes have been suspended... just when i had a lot of things to accomplish... oh well, you can't do anything when your country is making nonstop arguements on who is the best one to lead it... haya... people...

finished watching SHUFFLE!, Canvas1, and Full Metal Panic The Second Raid... i love SHUFFLE! the best! oh well, download it if you want... it simply is a must see!!! i won't go around spoiling it for you guys...

truth

it's like i have a lot to confess... but i don't know if this is the right time... i don't even know when the time will be right... i'm happy... right... i long to say the truth... this is hard even for me... i know a lot of people don't believe with the barrier that i have built around me... what's happening to me? i have always spoken the truth in the past... i have always been true with my feelings... then why is it different this time? it's not like i haven't been lost in the past... i want to be true to myself... to confess what i want to say... to let my thoughts be known... that's what this blog is all about, right? so why is it that i can't? why??? am i scared? i shouldn't be scared of anything anymore... i have underwent the most traumatizing experience in my life... i have felt hell all over... i shouldn't be able to feel this anymore... someone please... help me find myself... help me put myself back together... i'm begging you... i want to say everything... simply everything... it's hard to keep it all to myself... it's hard...

eurostar

went to eurostar last night... it's the place to be when you want new adventures, excitement and exhilarating rides in the Philippines. it's also a place to relax and just have a pure enjoyable time!

so here's the scoop: i went there with Jira and Kenevvy... and met uip with mama Tep, Kim, Kurstin and Joanna... Gian was there too with his sister and 2 cuz... i think :D so when we first arrive, we first rode booster, then flipper and so on and so forth... last ride, the carousel!!! i rode booster thrice, flipper twice, ranger thrice, ferris wheel once, carousel once, bumper car once and joker twice. the ride i enjoyed the most, in terms of bonding, i prefer the ferris wheel :D but in terms of fun fun and more fun, i like the joker the best... of course the ranger is next :D only thing i didn't join them in was the haunted house... mama Tep and i wasted 50 bucks!!! oh well... :D problem right now, my neck still has the crick that i got last night... oh well, at least it was worth it, i had the fun i most specially deserve! so... here are some pics taken :D













more pics at the photo page!

sports

since april last year, i have been into different kinds of sports. and to think i am really not the sporty type! anyway, i attended aikido classes with Haze, Jing and Tanya for the summer. a one month course... i didn't get to finish it though cause my body was all bruises every time i got home. anyway, then as i enter DLSU-Manila, pe for the first term is individual... i was thinking maybe it would be swimming or if i'm lucky, badminton. but what i got instead was taekwondo. i was afraid i wouldn't pass since i really am no good in any sport... i was always the last during the forms and everyone will be waiting for me to finish... but instead, because i tried, i got a 4.0 for a final grade! then for LEAP, we took a crash course in knife handling though i wanted so much to enroll in a guitar class... anyway, despite the hot weather, the fullness i was feeling after eating eat-all-the-chicken we can at popeye's, it was fun! :D too bad though, we weren't allowed to handle the real thing... but i tried it at home. so for the second term, pe was dance... ok... ballroom dancing wasn't my thing... anything that includes dancing is really not my thing... i must be the most uncoordinated person ever to exist! but then, ballroom wasn't so bad... it was like free time... the guys did most of the dancing and we girls just followed. kelangan nila kami mapasayaw e... haha! anyway, got to learn how to dance the tango, cha-cha-cha, rhumba and the waltz... actually, the waltz was for our practical test... i was the one who learned it... from final fantasy 8!!! hahaha!!! i also play badminton with Kenevvy once in a while... anyway, now it's volleyball... actually, i enrolled in soccer... foot soccer to be exact... i wanted to be on the football field and just kick and goal! but no, the coach wasn't available for the time slot so we ended up with volleyball... probably the worst for me in team sports! i was saying that i would be willing to attend 3 more peindivs just to nullify the team sport. though i know that it will never be possible. anyway, i sucked at volleyball even though i got a silver medal for the said sport in second year, i didn't play and quit before the game even started... takot ako sa bola e... anyway, today, our team won in our practicals! we were the champs in the round robin! yey! what i would like to say, i enjoyed it... so much! even though i only received once and served around 10 or more times... and failed 2 attempts... i enjoyed it! everytime our team plays, i serve as their captain ball, cheerer and ever so loving number one fan!!! you can see me jumping around the court while others are playing! i learned the rules, and well, i also learned that playing is more fun than just watching people play! :D

but right now, after all that excitement, i can feel my body breaking down again like this morning... no, it isn't what you guys are thinking... this is the reason : last tuesday night, i didn't sleep a wink until 3 am the next day. woke up at 5:30 and didn't have my usual breakfast. nakalipas ng gutom... 1... i didn't get my sleep cause we watched brokeback mountain... slept at 11 pm without dinner... then this morning too... i didn't eat breakfast, i had a glass of water though, big improvement! i could even feel the acids burning my tummy! oooh!!! anyway, attended class and played volleyball... nakalipas ng gutom... 2! then ate lunch... so anyway, as you could see... i haven't been able to take care of my body lately... at least for the past 3 days. goody! hahahha!!! so, i guess playing sports is fun! i want to play more!!!

valentine

feeling much better! as in i'm back to my cheery self, i probably lived the whole day with a smile! i'm back to being so makulit! who thought that it would last for days? me, that's who... haha! maybe i still don't know myself that well... well, i can probably laugh everything from now on!

anyway, valentine's day... no, it has nothing to do with me recovering my old self back, even though today is friday the 13th, i wouldn't care less! anyway, valentine's day... really now, it's so commercialized, exchange of flowers, chocolates, cards and kisses... (oooh! i want orange roses!!!) couples walking to and fro... wonder if they can leave everything by tomorrow? it's sickens me... maybe i'm just jealous because i don't have anyone to give a valentine to... or maybe not, because i'm so glad that i saved a lot (and i mean oodles and oodles)of money for myself! well, i still have the thought of sending myself 3 orange roses and chocolates because i love myself, but, with the things that i have done this past few days? i guess i don't deserve some cause i burned my cash away!!! and sadly, i don't have anything to buy the gifts for myself.. sad sad... wait wait, it's really not because it's valentines that i'm mushy... i am so not mushy! for me, i live it like a normal day, ignoring every couple that pass me by... oh right, for those people in love... good luck! :D

oh well, i guess this blog would be boring from now on... you won't be reading some mushy love entries... i'm so over it! (bilis noh? 2 days lang!!!) hahahha!!! :D anyway, what to expect in my blog... me missing my alma mater, the future that i see myself in, my dreams and fantasies, my hatred of somethings like what i have done wrong or something and so on... just no love entries ever again... why is that? because i swore never to love again... maybe love for my friends, i can live with that! :D

happy valentine's day! **
**oooh!!! i have the sudden craving for pastillas de leche!!!

feeling like an idiot

feeling so much like an idiot right now... actually, since last night...

of all the people to call, why would i call mau?! mau, sorry...
the pain in my eyes still resides... maybe it takes 24 hours to take this pain away... this must be my longest hang over ever! and not because of alcohol... i mean, the last time i did something do stupid must be the summer before 2nd year i think? and that didn't last long enough... after being said that i must find someone else, i stopped... maybe that day being my birthday did some help... right now, i'm still afraid... i don't like this feeling... the feeling of being so frail, so weak, so delicate and even so utterly helpless...

i woke up in the morning, namamaga mata ko... ate breakfast, and vomitted it... wow, nice combination... acidity and depression, what a way to start the day! then moped at engwalk... nothing to do, can't sleep.. i barely got 2 hours of sleep last night! i hate it... feeling so frail... showing my weaknesses...

i'll get over this somehow... i must because i promised... i really can't lie can i?
so here's the truth... i will never love again and i promise you that...

damn! i want to donate 4 pints of my blood tomorrow!

long post syndrome

wah! tagal ko na pala hindi nagpopost... it's either lack of time, too much fun times or too much worry times... oh well... or maybe they are just my "me" time kaya tagal na ako hindi nagpopost... 1 week exact ata... pero i changed the layout na naman e :D

oh well, long post syndrome... why so? last night i was browsing thru some "judenites" because i was hoping to find some things to help me with the layout of MEMo... what i arrived at was our batch's last newspaper... our batch's last win in sportsfest... oh well, of course that is a happy occassion, getting to celebrate another victory with my batch mates for the 5th time... we're all proud of that! but the articles containing stuff about college entrance exams, graduating and retreats won't be disregarded... in fact, that edition of the judenites was more than just a news worthy paper but in fact, something much more... something deeper and something worth keeping and reading over and over again.

i was told that the phase i went thru just when i started entering DLSU was momentary and that i will leave it all in the past as the time goes by... that by the end of the first term, the dragging first term, i will not feel that anymore... well, they're wrong... i miss my high school life... the classes, the recess, lunch breaks, the CAT, the place, the projects, performances, the teachers and specially my friends and batch mates... the more i thought about growing up, the more i want to return to SJCS, my only alma mater. as Catherine Dellosa's article said, i was foolish enough not to look at all the cracks and stuff in the halls of SJCS... i didn't know i would miss it this much though.. that i will never be happy with my college life even though some new friends and old friends are in my life right now... there i go again being all silly because on march 30, it will be officially one year since i hid my green and white uniforms and stash them somewhere in the house... i miss wearing my leather shoes and my cuff links... i miss sitting down at the 4-A classroom and looking at the dark empty room every morning... it is still said to be resided by a ghost, but i don't mind... the company of the ghost every morning is what soothes my soul. it's hard to believe that i took one last step in SJCS as a student... i guess you will never know what means to you until it is gone... right? you might as well say that i took my alma mater for granted so much that i am missing it terribly so... or maybe i am just attached to old memories that always come shouting at me whenever i returned to the quiet halls of SJCS... i miss looking over the Pasig river from the 3rd floor or the 5th floor too... i guess things have undergo a tremendous change since we left SJCS... i know, i was just there during the fair.

as for the retreat, my teambuilding experience with SME was nothing compared to our retreat... even though i admit, i had much more fun during the teambuilding because i get to try out a lot of new stuffs like rappelling, hiking and even watching the sunset on a cliff... but still, our retreat was much more heart warming for me... i enjoyed it a lot... no, the fact that mobile signal was very low in tanay, rizal doesn't have anything to do with it... maybe the close bonds i have with the people was the big factor there...

i guess all these things just went back to me because of a newspaper... and guess what, i have found the perfect layout for the MEMo edition! so, SME members, watch out for the release of MEMo on March 10! it will officially be our, (me, my avp marlon and the rest of the staffers) first release!

200th post

as for my 200th post...

i love this... staying back to back with my dad...

good news

i received a puzzling magazine today... it came all the way from Davao and it's great! i mean, it's full of lessons and answers to questions for those who are in doubt of God... although it's nov-dec 2005 issue... but still, it's really great! big whoop right? no sarcasm, it's free! i wonder who sent it to me... the magazine's name is The Good News...

there was a site there, The Good News , i visited it and thought maybe i subscribed unintentionally... but when i visited it, i really can't remember when i even stumbled upon it. creepy! anyway, you can send this mag to friends, you just have to mail their mailing address or something... i guess someone thought i need this.. they even mispelled my last name! oh well, at least it arrived right?

ok, so what ever the reason is, or who it is, maybe they thought i need a dose of this great mag... so thanks! :D i'm reading it right now... the article about pompeii... there are even a lot of free for request booklets! like "Time of the End?" and "Why Does God Allow Suffering?"... try it out guys, it might be of some help about your questions or doubts about your faith :D

what is the L word

entries after entries of ridiculing love... why is that so? maybe because i'm telling myself to get rid of the horrible feeling... or maybe i'm convincing myself that it is of no use or that i would never even receive any of it... or maybe both... but what is the topic to me anyway? the real meaning? the hidden truth and desire?

the most abused word, love... it is something that ruins a person for the better. you learn to stand up once again after being pushed down, rejected and spit on. it is something that you could never forget even though how many times it has come to you. it is something to open up your senses when you have lost it. and close yourself when you have it.

when is it love to me then?

love is when you wake up in the middle of the night and find yourself wearing a big grin on your face from a dream including your love one. it is when you find yourself crying when you wake up from a nightmare that consist of losing that someone. love is when you can talk to someone straight even though you have looked at the mirror and found a horrible looking person in front of you. it is when you simply like to spend hours silent while looking into each others eyes. it is when you cry because you simply miss him. it is when you hurt when he hurts to. it is when you can't stand the deep plop in your heart when you see him sad... or you're too concern with him when you know that something is not right. love is when you stand in the middle of everyone else and not noticing any of the surroundings because your mind is floating somewhere else...

it is when i can't saying anything to you because i'm scared i might screw things up... it is when i can't handle knowing you are not feeling fine... it it when i worry sick because i know that you are not happy... it is when i have butterflies in my stomach because i feel that i will see you... it is when i can't say anything serious because i can't stand seeing you sad... it is when i cry everytime you ignore me... it is when i feel all confuse when i hear something about you from others... it is when i defend everything bad that others say about you... it is when i put away all my doubts and just believe you... it is when i cry because i miss you... it is when i wake up in the middle of the night and cry because of a bad dream of you walking pass me... it is when i get serious about everything in my life because there is no one else in my mind but you... it is when i think about the future because i only see it with you... it is when i write sappy poems because of the feelings all bottled up inside me... it is when i can't sleep because of walking back down to our memory lane... it is when i want you here beside me because my world is falling in shambles without you... it is when i do little things because i want you to be happy... it is when i simply love you because you're you... and to me, you're perfect...

it seems like i really like this L word... and i really want to feel it too even though i know that it is what makes my life miserable right now...

i love you... always will and as i said, i'm always here for you no matter what...

the right thing

tell me what i'm doing is wrong... tell me what i'm doing is right...

is it so hard to differentiate the two? it is when you're helplessly a victim of the thing called love. letting go is the best thing to do when the feeling is not mutual right? but then, why is it that the best thing to do is bringing you painful sadness, endless sufferings and unlimited source of confusion? weird isn't it? so, please tell me that what i'm doing is right... or is it wrong? here's one thing, it's such joy to be with someone that you actually feel heaven right then and there... but haven't you thought that it could also be hell for it brings happiness and sadness the next? what is this thing called love anyway? i have posted several entries here over the past months, explaining love, infatuation or obsession... but i really don't get what it is really... it's an abstract thing which different people have different way of looking at it... right?

tell me what i'm doing is right and in fact, the smartest thing that i have done... let go because i know there is never going to be a fruit there and i'm just wasting my time... but also tell me that what i'm doing is probably the most stupid thing that i have done for in fact, i'm running away from something that's there... and i'm not making it an advantage to learn something new, like getting hurt and being rejected. tell me that i'm suffering because of my own doings, that i'm experiencing all these because i didn't listen to my thoughts in the first place... that i'm suffering because of my emotions and because of all the punishments that i have imposed on myself... tell me that punishing one's self is pure stupidity... that i really have a reason to live and no one is worth giving my life up... that no person, even someone who matters most to me is worth dying for...

tell me all these because i can't listen to myself... i can't figure out a way to convince myself that this never ending loneliness is just my thoughts... tell me that i really love him too much to hate him too... tell me to stop all these nonsense and go on with my life... to pretend that this feelings never existed... that all these never happened... to give me amnesia is probably the best thing to do...

i can't take this anymore... i simply care too much to make myself scarce from his life... i simply love him too much to ignore him or resist him... and i'm too stupid to have fallen deeply in love with him...

sleeping haven

wala na akong ginawang matino sa buhay ko! ngayon, denedeprive ko sarili ko from the right to talk to people... in short, ina-isolate ko sarili ko!!! wow, ang lungkot! bakit naman and in what way? ganito yun... i'm not checking my e-mails, laging busy stat sa ym ko kahit hindi like ngayon, wala naman ako ginagawa and hindi ako tulog pero busy and sleeping status ko, right now, cellphones ko nasa kama at machecheck ko nalang ulit yun kung too late na mga messages, blog naman, hindi na lagi blog right, tulad ng dati... and landline, wala naman importansya sa akin yun e... kanina, kausap ko pldt! kachika! anyway, bakit naman? kasi ganito yun... lately, depressed ako sa buhay... i mean, tinatry ko makalimutan ang iisang taong sobrang mahal ko ngayon... parang lam ko sasabihin ng mga taong nakakakilala sa akin na hindi ko talaga kaya yun... but this one, kaya nga miserable buhay ko ngayon di ba?

hay, next to that, mga responsibilities ko ngayon sa buhay, sa org and sa studies... parang may mga pagkakaiba di ba? mali! priority one palang yan! priority two na siguro yung mag ipon ng pera dahil masyado na ako magastos at ang pagtulog...and last priority nalang yung pasayahin ang sarili ko... marami nanaman magsesermon sa akin dito sa sinabi ko!!! ewan ko, there are some happy times naman e... pero ngayon, mas inuuna ko na ang mga bagay na kelangan ko talaga... i'm trying this time management guide na tinuro ng osac last time and sad to say, but pretty funny actually, that i'm failing big time!!! lagi akong sabog, out of control and lagi panic button!!! tapos as for making myself happy or pampering myself, let's just say na hindi pa dumarating yun since last year... pamatay!

as for the L word... ayun nga, pinamamanhid ko na ang sarili ko... wala ng emosyon besides being happy about everything... gets niyo? yung tipong inis na ako, wala, happy parin... tipong asar na ako at gusto ko ng batukan at sipain yung tao, wala, happy parin... tipong gusto ko ng umiyak at tumakbo nalang sa hirap, wala, happy parin... weird ko na noh??? super tanga ko na... lahat dahil san? dahil sa gusto ko iwanan ang nakaraan... yaw ko ng balikan at maranasan.. mahirap masaktan... at ayaw ko na mangyari ulit sa akin yun... kaya't iiwasan ko nalang habang maaga pa... yung tipong sasabihin sayo "may iba pa dyan na magmamahal sayo, hindi lang ako" or something like that... now, gusto ko bumalik sa pagtulog!!! sleeping haven!

from the outside looking in

why different scenery? it is because i'm outside and i'm looking in... outside is my world while the sunset is the one i hope to acheive... a very beautiful scene that can be seen just for a little while and yet so beautiful and so simple. it's like, yes, my world there is also nice but the sunset makes it even better, right? so, that's why the different time in the pic... what do you guys think???

love is when...

"when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth." ~from an e-mail sent to me.

they were said to be surveying children of ages 4-8 for definitions of love i think. and among all the answers, i like this one the best. it's from a 4-year old kid... and hey, i think it's true. but for me? love is when...

love is when all fantasies are erased and replaced with reality.

why is that? fantasies aren't real. they are simply imaginations or something fairytale writers or movie script writers put in our minds. duh! while reality is the everyday sweet life that we bring to ourselves.

teambuilding

i miss my laptop, sun signal, dsl, phone, tv, cable and aircon!!!

after a long weekend at frontier ranch, tanay, rizal... i have realized all the things and people that i have taken for granted! you can say that it was some kind of spiritual opening for me too! ok, our teambuilding was full of fun and so tiresome!!! we hiked for 2 hours and then went rapelling in the afternoon, then our team activities and bonfire under the full moon until 12 midnight... and that was only for yesterday! the day before was somewhat tiring because of the trip... we got lost and ended up on the other mountain!!! so, here are some nature pics that i have taken from our first morning, hiking, my rapelling experience and our last sunset there :D



























for more pics visit my photo page and our sme photobucket.

forget

how can you forget an anniversary? the most memorable moment? the most unforgettable smile? your first kiss? your first love? or even something that you put your heart into? or the simplest hello from a friend? or maybe something you did that required you to gather all your guts...

in life, that's one thing in life that i need to lie about... i never forget. even though there are somethings that i don't intend to remember, i remember them... even a birthday of someone i never really liked, it's still here in my mind. i don't even know why... maybe there are just somethings in life that isn't fair... that are just meant to continue on hurting you and leaving you in pain for the rest of your life... making it painstaking and miserable to live on. how can we forget them? how can i learn how to forget things that i really want to forget?

i was told that looking for a hobby gets your mind off things... i got lots of hobbies! but then, when i'm engaged in something, the more my mind goes running back to that something that i want to forget? i engaged in various activities and became active in night outs... but then, the moment i open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out but the one i want to forget... or maybe i would keep silent about that something but deep inside my head, there it is... running around and not letting me live my life as i want to. i know i have total control of my life, my body and my decisions... but this i ask... do we have total control of our brains and our emotions? i'm not really sure what to answer if i will be the one being asked. maybe i would say that we have because we do want we want... that's why the total control of our brains... and as for the emotions, we laugh when we want to and stop when we want to. easy right? wrong... why is that? because we don't have control over our brains when we go to sleep... when we dream about stuff or anything else... we don't have control over our emotions, because when something happens and we don't really want it to happen or we just can't simply face the facts, even though we don't want to cry... we tend to cry.

1 philosophy i want to believe in... "to see is to believe." what i don't see, i will not believe that it even exists. one example? the most annoying and confusing emotion there is, love. i'm not even sure if it exists. first of all, you can't see it, you can't hear it, you can't smell it nor can you touch it. how can you say you're in love? how could you even say that you know the feeling of being in love when your five senses can't even sense it? what? intuition? intuition or instincts can be mistaken... because it is something you just tend to believe but not really analyze it and take it to careful considerations... it is simply a hunch... something unreal, something you just thought of, the first thing that popped into your mind.

back to forgetting... i was also told not to think about it... the question is... how??? they make it sound so easy... so simple and yet when you try to do it... it's just so complicated. you can't simply forget the past... move on and act like nothing happened! because in reality, something did happen that's why you want to escape from it, forget it! turn your back and walk away, sounds easy right? the moment you reach your sanctuary, you cry, bang your head unto the wall or bang at a table or simply throw everything in sight... emotion... simply emotion. see? you can't see it but it eats you up... one by one... pieces to pieces until you're left there alone, crawling, hoping that there will be someone out there to help you back up because you are too weak to stand on your own and get back on your life... what more if you want to pace things up? ah! having high expectations to finish something and get ahead of everyone then suddenly you tripped and everyone else went ahead of you. ouch right? it's like you lost everything and your life... it's like there's no one to light the candle in front of you in order to see where you're supposed to go. how could you forget that time? how could you simply ignore that everything happened? how could you simply walk away from such a painful memory?

i think the world is a painful place to live and dwell upon... the people around us makes it even harder. but then, there are those special people who will be able to lighten up your burden, help you get back on your knees... and you won't forget them... there are just somethings that you want to leave in the past and never bring them with you... but still, there are somethings that no matter how much you want to get rid of, they're still with you because they are also the ones you lighten up your road in some path of your journey...

let me repeat my question again... how could i forget something or someone so important to me? how could i forget the most memorable thing that happened? how could i forget the wishes that had been fulfilled? how could i forget someone i put my whole life into? how could i forget something i put all my guts into? how could i forget the most spectacular feeling that i have ever felt? how could i forget something that has an impact in my individuality? how could i forget the person who made everything possible? how could i forget the person who i have loved so much? and most importantly, how could i forget how to love?

a lot like love

damn this thing called love!

bakit ba ang tao takot masaktan pero pag nagmamahal kinakaya nalang lahat ng sakit? tapos get this, parang ano ngayon kung mahal mo di ba? sabi nila ang babae daw hindi pwede unang kumilos... play it hard to get... damn it! e pero kung alam mo naman di ba na mahal ka nung guy and you really love him bakit mo pa papalampasin hanggang sa araw na umalis siya iiyak iyak ka naman... tapos parang wak! nanghinayang ka lang.. sayang di ba? ayan ang reaksyon ko sa pelikulang "a lot like love".

damn! super gusto ko panuurin ito... as in inintay ko pa talaga at pinagtiyagaan idownload, get this, sa emule and hindi sa torrent. tapos here's what i get, a glimpse of reality. na napakatanga lang talaga nung girl! i mean mahal na nga siya ni oliver then she goes saying "don't, you'll ruin the moment..." argh! bakit ba? what's her deal? takot ba siyang saktan yung guy kasi mahal niya? and then oliver goes away... ayan... hahanap hanapin niya naman. why not give long distance relationship a chance di ba? don't get me wrong, i liked the movie... maganda pero hello! maybe yun yung nagpaganda sa movie... na pareho silang... argh! it's so frustrating!!! pero gets mo? hindi naman dapat ganun na mahirap lang and it won't work out... damn! how could they even know if it will work out f they don't even try?! kung mahal nila ang isa't isa, kahit na may dumating na iba hindi sila gagawa ng mali di ba? hindi dapat... once they did it, maybe they weren't meant for each other or one of thm is not yet ready... di ba?

ok ok... sorry, i was going to burst if i don't tell someone those things... so, sorry for the language... i just got carried away by the movie... sure it's nice... :D

hamtaro!!!

Which
Hamtaro character are you?

nba rants

here's the thing... a lot of people have been discouraging me about kobe bryant, los angeles laker's shooting guard... it all started the night kobe scored a whooping 62 pts againsts the mavericks and out scoring the entire mavericks team at the end of the third quarter.

as long as i can remember, i grew up cheering for utah jazz's karl malone againsts chicago bulls' michael jordan during the jazz-bulls season... and then, the kobe-shaq team was born and i cheered for la lakers since then. now that shaq is on miami heat, i still cheer for the lakers even though a lot of people would tell me that they will lose... big time! that they wouldn't even enter the top 4 or some, top 8 because of kobe's arrogant attitude. well, he has the right coz he's not all talk... he is great! you can't deny that fact. of course, i also cheer for other teams, like san antonio spurs, sacramento kings and now, phoenix... wah! can't remember... anyway, but i still enjoy cheering for lakers... they are the ones who can move me out of my seat, cheer at the top of my lungs even though i know it wouldn't do any good... and they simply are the best for me! trust me, i don't even know half the team's players! but hey, what can i do? i love the way the team moves, phil jackson's coaching skills and kobe bryant's admirable talent!

i have been thru a lot of arguements about kobe's fame. it was even in my ym status! oh well, for you guys out there who still doesn't want to believe me how people look up to kobe... here'e red hot chili pepper's bassist's, flea, nba blog

orange mirage

orange mirage!

shooting thru my head

wonder what it is

i never want it to end

oasis right in front of me

wonder how far

is it real

or is it hoax

il never know

until i see the orange mirage

again

what about the blue sky

infinite and yet reachable

clear but not clear

blackened with grey soot

nowhere to go

but the oasis ahead

i never wanted to go

but then it was there

i went there and fell

into the deep blue lake

i cant escape and yet

it feels so wonderful

to be there

alone

and then i cant breath

i want to escape

it let me

but i cant

i cant tear away

from it

sad sad me

how i long to live

and yet the lake kept me alive

but in pain

and more pain

let me go

let me free once again

i dont want to suffer anymore

there you go

you are free to go

but why cant you leave

i ask that myself

i feel so happy and yet so much in pain

theres just so much of the lake

i cant get enough of it

hopefully i will let go

and leave the oasis very soon

but then once it appears

once again

i know i will fall in again

until that day comes

i will leave myself to myself

i wont give myself up

to anything else

oh wonderful oasis

its sad you came into my life

but then without you

i have no more reason

to live i saw the mirage

whole day long

i felt my heart skip

and my feet stop

i felt cold

for awhile

but then it was you

the lake once again

i thought you were gone

and never coming back

but then you're here

haunting me again

it hurts me to see you

but then it hurts me not to

why did you came into

my life

you made it happy

and yet miserable

you come and go

leaving me in pain

aren't you tired of hurting me again and again

im tired of you

or the lies you told me

you led me on

and yet

im so stupid to believe

i wanted so much to just forget you

leave you as a painful past

and yet you keep coming back

and the truth arises

i cant leave you

or forget about you

i cant live without you

my little crystal clear lake

it pains me to see you go once again

but then a bit happy still

i really dont know what to think

theres nothing around me

but the orange mirage once again

im back!

after the new year, i have been nothing but relaxed... here i am, sitting in front of the desktop once again after a long time and now i'm updating... anyway... after not updating for a few days, i guess most guys are glad that i'm not writing nonstop jibberish anymore... i have just been exploring the web, looking for stuffs to spice up my blog and yet, the new year is here and still the same old layout... but there are some polls over at the exit links if you guys want to vote!!!

anyway, here's today's thought... "aking hiling mapasakin dating matamis na pagtinggin. nananalig, nananabik sayong matamis na paghalik. bakit pa ba ako'y napaasa? ngayo'y nag-iisa, kung mababalik ko lang..."

i heard this from a song last night while going to our father's side family reunion...though it has been edited by me to match my mood... i loved the lyrics and somewhat the melody...though, i don't know the title nor the artist... anyway... everything is so dramatic... you can barely see anything not serious about it... it is oh so serious... right? touching still! i think from what i heard from most of the song (my head was flying by the time the song finished the chorus) it's about a guy... he didn't confessed to the girl he like and is now regretting every single moment of it... it's like, why let go if you think you could take the risk of rejection? the girl was showing some signs that she also likes the guy and there the guy was, making his "torpe-ness" get the best of him... and now he regrets everything because whenever he saw the girl, she was with another guy. and then the bridge went like, why did the girl show signs that they could be together and yet they were not together at the end... now he's alone and wishing that he could bring back everything that was in the past...

how can i relate to this? i don't know, maybe because i really want something but i never ever ever can get it...

merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

no updates for a while :D

for those who hates sasuke so much...

for those who hates sasuke... watch this! listen to the song and who knows, maybe you'll like sasuke like i do! :D

cutest little darlings!

i have always love dogs specially puppies! why did God made pets anyway? dogs, cats... whatever... i guess it's to keep us company, to talk to when no one else would listen, to love and take care, to have some company when we're alone and simply to make us smile even through the worst times... why this? here's some pics that i simply find adorable beyond words!











tell me these pics didn't make you fawn all over them or simply make you smile! oh well, nothing really, just want to share the joy of looking at these wonderful offsprings of nature... i wonder how long will it take for us humans to recognize their worth? i mean, some humans tend to treat these animals badly, saying that they are just animals... well, they have feelings too... if you cut thru them, do they not also bleed? anyway, these darling little puppies can make anyone swoon over them, right?

the reason for this entry, Christmas is approaching... and i want a puppy!!!

Christmas countdown

it's less than a month, a week, 5 days til Christmas... just like when i was a little kid, i look forward to this Christmas because of all the presents i expect and want to receive. but this Christmas, i have grown... as you can say, i have a grown-up Christmas list. i don't know if it's the effect of college or just the mere fact that i really have grown-up, maybe not over night but quite quickly than i have expected actually.

how can i say that i have matured? well, my wishlist, even though it still has those anime stuff included and some material things, is more... expensive. being a kid, i only wished and hoped to receive some Christmas cards, stuffed toys, pens... and i got disappointed to receive cash, bags or even food! imagine, me! getting upset in receiving cash!!! that must have been so sad... anyway, now, i long to receive it! ok, greediness level so high now!! anyway, i still love the thoughts of receiving stuffed toys anyway... actually, anything will do right now, as long as i know that the peson who gave it means a lot... whether it's in the form of store bought things, home baked muffins or a simple hug... actually, i prefer the last one. a simple hug, something sentimental, from the heart and simply long lasting for my memory!

i gave away myself this Christmas, and it's rare for me to do that. i tied a ribbon around me, and gave myself to Tanya! love ya Tanya! i bet you guys thought of someone else, right?! haha! i would have given myself to that person if i know that he will appreciate it... although i didn't give myself to him, he still took my heart and kept it for himself. aw...

last night, i was talking to some friends of mine about what i wanted to do when i found out that i flunk... i wanted to commit suicide, run away, and just give up. nobody cared about the last two choices... but they really lectured me about the first option, suicide... they told me that it would be very dumb and stupid of me if i did that... i knew that, that's why i didn't do it for the thousandth time that i have thought about it. when i was a little kid, i planned my life out. and the plan was to lie down on my bed on my 18th birthday and die there... thinking about no one else but myself... not thinking about the possible people who might cry... not thinking about the pain some may feel because of my selfishness... i guess i'm dumb that way... so dumb... well, during my 18th birthday, i really didn't lie down on my bed at exactly 6 pm... in fact, i was spending some time with my dad and my brother at a restauraant, pigging out like we usually do!

why then did my plan from when i was a kid subsided? i mean, most of my plans came to be... why not that one? it's not because it's impossible or even hard to attain... it's because i found someone who makes my life worth living... that's sappy!!! oh well, but that's the truth... i found someone who can make my life easier and more enjoyable... someone who makes my life really worth living til the very end... of course, that someone is not alone... i have my friends who supports me all the way thru everything! who am i kidding, everyone i know is so important to me right now that even the thought of death scares the hell out of me! and of course, i know that someone will be very sad if i died... so then, i wouldn't do that even if i said it over and over again, don't worry, sometimes i'm just in a phase...

life sucks...

life sucks... big time!

here's the deal, i know i deserve to pass engcal1... i just know ok? i mean, i studied and understood the lessons well, it's just that i can't pass the exams she's giving!!! i don't f*cking know why, ok? i mean, argh! i don't know what i mean already! my head is pounding and i just want to die right here, right now.

a lot of people will tell me not to waste my life over such stupid, f*cking shit... i know that.... but then again... i don't really know what i want to do with my life already... i just want to give up and die in my sleep...

there's nothing more i want to do now than die and vanish... or be with my best friend and grieve about all the stuff i'm hiding from everyone right now... i can't be strong all the time... i can't be angry at a time like this... this anger must have been brought in by the disappointment i have in me right now... but then again, from the day i found out my quiz results in my final quiz, i knew that i was going to fail... but then, i still studied... two days of studying came to nothing... nothing but a 0.0... damn this life! damn this engcal1! i really want to stay strong... fight whatever i think is going to come flowing soon... fight the tears that wants to flow down... fight the weakness residing in me...

but i can't... i just know i can't... i have to have someone near me right... someone who could comfort me and tell me that everything will be alright... someone who could assure me that tomorrow will be another great day... as the song goes, there's a rainbow always after the rain... someone who could just give me what i need right now... and that someone is no other than my best friend...

if you have read this, i need you right now more than ever... i'm sorry...

life really bites! if i were given a chance to redo everything, i just know i can make and will make everything go smoothly... and right now, i can never have that, can i?

p.s. sorry for the foul language used...

cartoons

what does cartoons say in our lives? i can and will consider myself as an adult right now... and cartoons are for kids. then why the topic? even though sometimes, i let other people see a side of me who enjoys watching adult shows like seinfeld, ed, discovery channel and such shows, i still prefer cartoons over any of those shows anytime!

anyway, here's the point, this entry is not originally my idea... i just read an article in menagerie, the la sallian, about cartoons and why it is a show for kids ONLY. well, they disagreed with it, and i also disagree with it even though i know that i am a big kid at heart. why? cartoons have many morals... it is not just for laughs or for "nothing else is good on the boob tube". in fact, it was stated in the la sallian, by watching an episode of as told by ginger, we can pick up a thousand more lessons than watching a very long exagerated soap opera! not only as told by ginger, cartoons have moved out of the tv and the big screen made way for them more than a hundred times i guess. finding nemo, the incredibles and such big time cartoon movies have more lessons still than a regular soap opera. not that i have something against soap operas, it's just that why are cartoons labelled as kid's only? and when adults or teens are watching them, they are teased about it. there's nothing wrong with wanting some laughs from our favorite, spongebob squarepants to maybe the most kiddie show, blue's clues! ok, i watch blue's clues... we watch these tv shows when we were little kids and found them humorous, why not continue watching them even thought the plots are the same and there's the never ending anvil fall! once in a while, it's healthy to put aside the laws of physics and have a few unreasonable laughs. it's the tv world we just don't have to understand... and i like that!

for some reason, i still find cartoons entertaining the way they were entertaining to me years ago! maybe because i really haven't accelerated yet and really am a kid a heart!

oh yeah, jira says she looks like a cartoon character! just finished my finals! free at last!

hardest things in life...

these are some ouchies in life that i received through email... i have highlighted some things that applies to me and well, there's a legend for the colors:
red - ouch +++
red - ouch ++
lavander - ouch +
orange - normal ouch
no high light- ouch but nr!

1. Being questioned when you yourself don't understand
2. Pretending to be innocent of what you know about
3. Trying to show you care
4. Trying to forget something you know you never will
5. Admitting you were wrong after you have been so insistent that you were right
6. Accepting the fact that you made a mistake
7. Debating with yourself
8. Knowing what's wrong and what's right
9. Growing up
10. Accepting the fact that some things are not meant to be
11. Trying to understand when you just can't
12. Swallowing your pride when it has become too hard and too big to even gulp it down with water
13. Realizing that you have been tricked after you have given your whole trust
14. Realizing that you have taken the most important thing for granted
15. Parting with someone you've just learned to love
16. Letting GO of someone you've loved all ur lyf
17. Losing someone you care deeply about
18. Saying sorry when you mean it where you stand
19. Knowing what is best and yet doing the exact opposite.
20. Bracing yourself for the worst kind of pain... & still hurting so much..
21. Loving someone too much and learning to love the pain that goes with it...that even if you learned to let go of the person... you still go on missing the pain you once felt (and there it goes... you fall again)
22. Denying to yourself that you're falling... then finally you realize that indeed you have fallen when it's too damn late and he/she got tired of waiting...
23. Being with someone else when the right one comes along
24. Knowing deep inside that you love someone yet you can't say it out loud
25. Flashing your smile to someone u don't want to see.
26. Bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget.
27. Showing that u care.
28. Finding a way to mend a broken heart.
29. Learning that someone u truly loves has used you.
30. saying i love you when you mean it and when you don't.
31. Letting go of a person you've just learned to love.
32. Realizing that u love somebody you've just taken for granted.
33. Realizing that u love the person you've just broken up with
34. Waiting for promises you know she or he'll never keep.
35. Saying your love for someone who loves somebody else.
36. Reminiscing the good times u shared together.
37. Shielding your heart to love somebody.
38. Trying to hide what u really feel.
39. Having a commitment w/ someone that u know would not last.
40. Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes.
41. Sharing the one you love w/ someone else.
42. Loving a person too much.
43. Giving up someone u never thought of giving up.
44. Falling in love for the first time
45. Loving someone you haven't seen
46. Having the right love at the wrong time.
47. Exerting effort to make the relationship last or work.
48. Not being appreciated when u know you've given your best.
49. Taking the risk to fall in love again.
50. Hiding your relationship from someone else.
51. Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend
52. Choosing between 2 persons whom u really love.
53. Finding out that u can never have the person u just let go of back
54. Seeing the person u love with someone else
55. Learning that the person who claimed to have loved you so much never really cared
56. Seeing the one you love fall for someone else
57. Falling for your best friend and knowing that things can never be the same again
58. Learning to trust after you have been burned
59. Accepting that it was not meant to be
60. Smiling when all you want to do is cry
61. Falling and knowing that it can never be
62. Not being able to love the person who truly cares for you
63. Saying that you can never love a person the way he loves you
64. Hearing that he/she can never love you the way that you love her/him
65. Saying that you are over someone you still love
66. Being friends again and learning to let go of each other coz you both know it is better that way
67. Convincing one self that you are not in love when you know that you are
68. Having to let go because you know that he deserves someone else
69. Trying not to remember how perfect everything used to be
70. Being the last to know about something that concerns you most of all

yet another dream

i seem to be having a lot of dreams lately... this one, i won't post as a letter in my homepage nor would i go to details about it. why? because it's a lot different compared to the other dreams i had. this one was really different and not at all mind boggling...

what do i have to say about this dream? well, i have concluded that i simply miss someone so much that i don't only think of him during day time, but he also haunts my subconciousness while i'm asleep. around 0240 awhile ago, i took a break from studying and took a nap, then this dream haunted me. i woke up at around 0440, 20 minutes before my actual wake up time. i found myself covered with sweat... i found tears rushing down my cheeks... why is it so hard to just look from a distance when in the past we were so close together? and why am i even doing this to myself? is it because that's what i think he likes me to do? am i really supposed to suffer this way?

i still miss him despite the things that i should prioritize... i should even be studying for my engcal1 test right now and i'm really on the edge... i'm just one step away from failing and i sure don't want to fall down... yet still, what's on my mind? i really miss him so much... i'm just punishing myself disappearing from his life... i guess that's just what i really have to do and yet, i feel so much pain and confusion... for once, i really want to find peace... and find the answer to all my unanswered questions...

Happy Birthday Ahya Terry!

where the streets have no names

while burning some cds for my uncle, i saw a title of a song by Aerosmith... "where the streets have no names". i wondered for a while where could that place be... maybe a labyrinth or an ant farm... i haven't really listened to it yet, and as of now, i really have no intention...

for me, "where the streets have no names" refers to the road ahead... not literally a road that we have to pass... but the road we will take in our journey in life. why don't the streets have names? because we don't really know where we're headed. nobody knows what lies ahead if we go on with our lives. the world still has a lot of mysteries waiting to be uncovered, so have our lives. we don't lead everyday of our lives monotunuosly or organized til the last second, in fact we are told over and over again to leave some time for unexpected surprises. and so we take on streets with no names in order to give them their names.

and then again, another conclusion was formed in my head. where streets have no names i guess also refers to the foolishness of one's heart. love as they say is blind, you set endless qualifications for the one you want to fall in love with but at the end, you always end up with the one who is an exception to every single rule. why is it the place where streets have no names? because you don't really know where you are once you are in love. your destiny tends to be not only yours but also your partner's. you either work as a team or you fail as an individual. still, you really don't need names for the streets if it's your own personal world, right? when you're in love, you have your own world, your own fantasies and your own dreams but with a significant other.

here's my point and how i will relate it with my life right now: i'm tired of living and continuing my journey where the streets have no names. i don't know what lies in front of me or what may happen next. i'm tired of looking from afar... of just waiting here and when i see your name pop out from nowhere, i seem to scurry away scared... i'm tired of how i handle my life right now... i was told that the one who have the most courage is the one you need to look out for because he/she maybe the one who will hurt you most... i guess i could be that.. but lately i have been nothing but scared silly... i have been nothing and my life has been nothing... believe it or not, i really need you in my life but no matter how much i want to move on and no matter how much i say to people that everything is the past right now... i still can't move on... i'm still stuck... in love with you...

Christmas Bazaar

wow, Christmas really is here. the air is cold, Christmas decorations all over the place (except here at home) and most of all, the Christmas Bazaar at the World Trade Center starts today!

we visited it, honestly, it was my first time there. anyway, bought some things sorry to say, it's all for me! i haven't bought any gifts yet except for one... i need to do my Christmas shopping fast!!!

so, there you go... Christmas is here and New Year's eve is just around the corner... before you know it, it's already the start of a new school year and my birthday! i'm so excited to turn 19 already! my burthday wish? it's in the wantlist section! :D

bday shout outs!

Happy Happy Happy Birthday to Maximillian "pencil" Tong, Herschel Tan and Alfred Ong-Lopez!

Miss ko na talaga 4A and the whole batch!!!

kita kita sa sportsfest?! hahahha!!! reunion na!

some songs...

Makita Kang Muli
sugar free

Bawat sandali ng aking buhay
Pagmamahal mo ang aking taglay
Saan man mapadpad ng hangin
Hindi magbabago ang aking pagtingin
Pangako natin sa maykapal
Na tayo lamang sa habang buhay
Maghintay...
Ipaglalaban ko ang ating pagibig
Maghintay ka lamang, ako'y darating
Pagka't sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso
Lahat ay gagawin, makitang kang muli
Makita kang muli, makita kang muli...
Puso'y nagdurusa, nangungulila
Iniisip ka pagnagiisa
Inaalala mga sandali
Ng tayo ay magkapiling
'kaw ang gabay sa aking tuwina
Ang aking ilaw sa gabing mapanglaw
Tanging ikaw...
Ipaglalaban ko ang ating pagibig
Maghintay ka lamang, ako'y darating
Pagka't sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso
Lahat ay gagawin, makitang kang muli
Makita kang muli, makita kang muli...

Rie Fu
Anime: Bleach
Song Title: Life is Like a Boat (first ending theme)
Nobody knows who I really am,
I've never felt this empty before.
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong?
We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves will guide you through another day
Tooku de iku o shiterutoumei ni natta mitai
Kurayami ni omoi dakedomekakushi sareteta dake
Inori wo sasageteatarashii hi wo matsu
Azayaka ni hikaru umisono hate made ee~
Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you will follow me and keep me strong
Hito no kokoro wa utsuri yukunukedashitakunaru
Tsuki wa mata atarashii shuukide mune wo sureteku
And every time I see your face
The oceans lead out to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can't see the shore
Oh, I can't see the shore...
When will I see the shore?
I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I feel this way toward you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow you and keep you strong
Tabi wa mada tsuzuitekuodayaka na hi mo
Tsuki wa mata atarashii shuukide mune wo terashidasu
Inori wo sasageteatarashii hi wo matsu
Azayaka ni hikaru umisono hate made
And everytime I see your face
The oceans lead out to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can't see the shore
Unmei no fune wo koginami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to
Watashi-tachi wo sou kedosore mo suteki na tabi ne
Dore mo suteki na tabi ne...

The song Makita Kang Muli was something someone asked me to listen to. and when i listened to it, it really is nice. there you go...
the second song Life is Like A Boat is from Bleach. at first, i was annoyed by it, big part rie fu was the one who sung it. anyway, i came to like it as i listened to it just a while ago. the lyrics can tell you why i like it...

i MiSs YoU...

sme leadership seminar

ok, i have stopped thinking for awhile... stopped thinking about what i thought was my life anyway... and came to think about the so called more important stuff to me... what is my decision?

i have just attended our org',sme, leadership seminar. here's something i picked up from it, i have to set a vision and a mission in life. of all the things that we were asked to do awhile ago, the one i found the hardest to do was to give myself an award and my motto in life. here's something that came to mind that was a pretty scary thought... am i doing the right thing? is my decision to enter DLSU-Manila and take my course in bachelor of science in manufacturing engineering and management with specialization in mechatronics and robotics the right decision? is it the course for me? is it what i really want? is my future there? or do i even have an idea what might be in store for me? i could have easily entered UST with a course in computer science or maybe if i took the entrance test in CSB, i might be able to walk in and out of Angelo King everyday and lead an easy college life. i have been thinking about this for a thousand times already... why do i always have to doubt what i have decided on? from th moment i saw my brother's DLSU application form, i told myself that i will enter DLSU thru the course comp eng or mem-mr or com sci... either of the three. i decided upon it and now, why am i feeling this pang of emotions, resent and doubt? am i really right for this course? or should i renew my schedule and drop all the major courses to shift next year? why is life unfair?

what is my mission in life? what is my vision? do i even have a purpose to live? what are my priorities in life? what is my goal? i guess i have the true characeristics of a gemini after all... i have been interested in a lot of things that at first i am so excited about it but after a short time, i got tired and just left it there. and now, because of all the possibilities opened to me because of all the opportunities shown and exposed to me, i don't really know what i want... i don't know my mission nor my vision. mission vision, this is the thing i came across and really had a hard time looking for the right answer... until now, i still really don't know what i want to do with my life...

let's see... what i want in life really is to settle down, have a good life together with someone i love and loves me back... what then is my mission? i still don't know after 18 years of living, i guess i really don't know what i want to do and have been spending my life aimlessly and jus wasting it by having all those momentary fun in life... looking back to my past, i can say that i have done nothing to change anything, i have done nothing to attain a goal... i have done nothing to help anyone... i have done nothing for myself. wow, this is some confession! what i want in the future... is something i really need to think about within this weekend. what my goals are, what my mission is, and what i will have to do to fulfill all those... if i found out what the answers are to all these questions, then i will live my life accordingly.

by the way, after some time, i finally found my motto... the sky's the limit... and the award i want? stars. why's that? the sky's the limit is to motivate me that even though i failed at one thing (which i really am so scared about btw) i can stand up once again and reach for the sky... and that i have a lot of things that i can still do. my award, stars, has a really simple meaning behind it. it simply means that i want to accomplish many many things, much more than an ordinary human can. just like the stars, i want my accomplishments to be countless and not just countless but also priceless...

Happy Birthday Shoti Scott!

love F*cking sucks

love f****** s*cks!

why's that? love unsaid is love wasted, and yet love said can only be turned down... love unsaid is called infatuation and love said is obsession... argh! i really can't understand it!!!

wait! paano mo malalaman kung kayo na ba o hindi pa?! is there some kind of confirmation on both parties? or basta nalang? i mean, gets niyo? kailangan bang alam ng 2 tao na sila na? o pwede ba sila na hindi sila kahit na mahal nila ang isa't isa?! o pwede ba ang isang tao magkaroon ng kasintahan na hindi niya man lang alam? damn this thing called love!

wait! paano mo nga naman pala malalaman na mahal mo ang isang tao? kasi ako, meron isang tao na sobrang care ako para sa kanya, na gusto ko siya makadama ng kaligayahan lagi dahil na rin sa tuwing nakikita ko siya na malungkot or alam ko na may problema siya, nananakit din ang puso ko... nakadarama rin ako ng matinding kalungkutan... hindi lang yun, itong taong to, napakahalaga sa akin, maya't maya ang dati naming pagsabi sa isa't isa ang gusto naming ipaalam sa isa't isa... walang taguan pero kahit papaano, palihim parin ata... kahit na alam na namin ang sasabihin ng isa't isa... kung kami'y magkasama, kahit na walang sinasabi sa isa't isa ay napapasaya niya na ako... basta't nasa tabi ko siya at masaya siya, masaya na rin ako. kaya niyang paikutin ang mundo ko sa simpleng text niya o sa tuwing makikita ko siya. ano nga ba ito?!

nakakalitong pag-ibig... matamis ngunit maasim... malakas ngunit mahina... masaya ngunit nakakalito... tahimik ngunit magulo...

ano nga ba ang pag-ibig? dapat ba itong ipamahagi sa iba? dapat ba ito ilabas at ipaalam? ipaalam sa buong mundo o sa maspopular na tawag PDA? o ipaalam sa taong minamahal mo lang??? meron bang tao na nabubuhay upang ipaintindi sa akin itong napaka sakim na emosyon na ito?

naruto and bleach

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com


Take The Quiz Yourself!

i have been watching 59 (minus 46-48) episodes of bleach since saturday... as for naruto, there's the weekly download every thursday together with bleach! so, anyway, rumor has it that bleach will be having a 22 filler episode run jst like in naruto. but i guess naruto has a longer filler spell... anyway, i will still keep on watching!!! oh yeah, i'm downloading 46-48 of bleach right now...

ipaglalaban ko ang ating pag ibig!

i finally got what i wanted, to be busy beyond anything. i'm swamped! anyway, i got the time to type in an entry here just to let you guys know that i am still updating and i haven't died and gone to heaven just yet... anyway, i got a little of this and a little of that. so, what's this entry about? since the night bev congratulated me and told me that i will have the responsibility in taking over our newsletter, MEMo, i got scared. i'm scared... as in really scared. i have never felt this scared in my life, i'm afraid of a lot of things, of haunted house, cockroaches, cat's eyes... and many more, but his feeling is eating me up... why? it's not just the responsibility, i think i can handle that now... but because i felt like i have lost someone dear to me. and who is that? it's me... i have lost myself... where have i gone to? the old me? the one who never takes anything seriously, the one who always laughs at anything that comes her way, the one who never takes no for an answer... why is life hard? the more i live, the more i want to give up everything...

my death

i will die on August 6, 2026 according to www.deathclock.com

know your death!

life's like too long

Life's like too long... still, sometimes it's just too short... why's that whatever things we want, we can never get? my dad sent me a text message last time, though the ending was a joke, the first words were the ones that stung...

"luv is unfair. pgmhal mo d kyo pwede 4ever..."

that hurts... but still, it's true. life's too long like that... then if you want to forget about certain things, life's still too long... but then when you have forgotten about everything, it all seems so short... life seems so complicated for everyone... not only me. why does life have so many limitations? when one of my favorite sayings is "the sky's the limit" ??? i guess some people are just meant to have their feet on the ground, they are never allowed to leave the ground... never allowed to fly high... never allowed to reach cloud nine... i guess somethings need not to be touched... need not to be harmed... need not to be interfered... life's unfair, no?

NO!

i guess life has it's reasons, God has His reasons why eveything is happening to us, why we make wrong decisions, follow the wrong path, make the wrong steps and maybe sometimes fall... maybe that's one way of showing us that life really is fair... that life can never be beautiful without change, without being wrong, without making mistakes... why is that? me, i can't imagine saying that life back then was beautiful when everything is perfect and just the way i wanted it to be when i'm not seeing different things now... if i didn't go to college, i guess what i will be saying is life in SJCS still sucks because of all the things we needed to do, all the Chinese characters we needed to memorize, all the extra curricular activities we have to endure... but now, that i stepped into college, all i'm saying about SJCS is... it's the best always has been and always will be! not only because of all those stuff mentioned before, but also because of the people i have ben accustomed to... the friends that i have made, the loved ones who i saw each and everyday, the simple hi's, hello's and ingats i receive everyday, it's all enough to say i love being a Judenite and i wouldn't have exchanged it for anything else! i guess having a change in life is not so bad... even though college so far, for me, sucks and no one is even bothering to make it better for me... i don't know, but it seems that whatever i do, i still can't get to like my block... i still hate it... and i'm glad that next term, i will be seeing less of them. evil mysh, call me whatever you like... but really, i just can't bring myself to like my block, to enjoy their company in class, i just hate being with all of them all at the same time. sorry... i still love my friends back in SJ, and i miss you guys so dearly! i'm thankful that thanksgiving is fast approaching... i get to spend some time with some friends. even though i have done nothing the weekend before but to be with them... i guess i just can't get enough of them...

life's too long and yet too short... quite ironic isn't it? so, whatever you guys have right now, i suggest you treasure them and spend life like there's no end... because you will never know when it will end and how it will end... even a simple hello, treasure it and remember it for the rest of your life!

comment?

Christmas

34 days til Christmas... am i right? hahahaha!!! i have been browsing thru some stuff in the net... about 70's fashion, our research and things for my wish list since it's almost Christmas...

why 70's fashion? SME's yule boogie's theme is the 70's... i guess i'm pretty excited about it and am looking up things form the 70's and guess what i've found? the most awesome diggity! lava lamps, hypnotic patterns and what i love most about the 70's? platform shoes!!!

things for my wishlist... i have updated my wishlist yesterday actually, i really like those things there although i must admit, they're in my wishlist because they cost quite a small fortune... in short, my pocket can't afford those stuff... well, except maybe for the lava lamps oh well... the other stuffs are found on the internet, some from e-bay and some are to be ordered... really, i adore all the haro and naruto stuff!!! i simply want another haro plush toy and a naruto scroll duffle bag!!!

anyway, we watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire last friday then went to greenbelt to eat... then on saturday, kenevvy treat us to a very luxurious dinner!!! choco haven!!! i was so full!!! anyway, then we went to greenbelt again... 2 consecutive nights in greenbelt... what more can i ask for in my weekend? i slept the day away... just like that... i still am tired though... not really as tired as i should be but still tired... i guess too much excitement just burns a whole through my energy ball!

scared

i'm scared... scared about what's going to happen to me... scared about a lot of things... scared that i might somehow be so miserable that i might just break down... scared that i might lose someone important... scared that i might somehow be the reason for all these...

why is it that i feel this kind of emotion? since when did i get scared by something? i guess i have always been afraid to take risks... i'm no fun... darn it! i hate this... hindi ko alam kung bakit pa akong matakot... kung ano kailangan kong katakutan... siguro dahil dati lagi akong may inaasaan... i look forward to somethings in life... pero ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano na nga ba talaga yun... kung dapat ko bang asahan... kung darating pa yun sa buhay ko... wala na akong pag-asa... siguro kasi ako rin may kasalanan... bakit ko bang kailangang matakot? ano ba dapat kong katakutan? ang tanga ko! i'm so stupid! why do i have to be afraid? siguro kasi wala na rin ako kailangan wala katakutan... i don't feel safe anymore... is it because that i have lost someone dear to me? is it because i thought i lost someone dear to me? this is all so confusing... i want to look for myself for awhile... to take a break, have a long vacation or mabe have a stand still like kei kusanagi from onegai sensei... i think i'm beginning this stage in life again where i can't simply trust anyone anymore... why is that? is i because i have been betrayed for so many times in my life already? so many promises broken? so many torn friendship? bakit ba ang hirap ng buhay? is this my punishment for having a life?

i have so many questions that i know can't be answered... i guess i can't wait any longer... i guess i just have to say goodbye to the life that i have right now and start a new fresh one... but this time, i won't be giving everything anymore... i will keep somethings to myself... no more heart to heart talks with anyone... no more expressing one's self so much... no more giving my love to someone who can never give it back... or to anyone for that matter... i'm done...

butterfly kisses

here's a song i really adore right now... butterfly kisses by michael bolton... honestly, i just heard it from my cousin's wedding last 12 of november... and the one i have downloaded seemed to be cut...

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's Daddy's Little Girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all:
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, It's my first ride"
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, But I sure tried."

Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning
And butterfly kisses at night.
Sweet sixteen today
She's looking like her momma a little more every day
One part woman, the other part girl
To perfume and make-up, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.
All the precious time
Oh, like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly.
She'll change her name today
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the brideroom just staring at her
She asks me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over
and gave me butterfly kisses with her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair.
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, It's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses.
I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is what love is
I know I've got to let her go
But I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

waw... oh well... it's really nice! try to listen to it... too bad i cant find a midi which i can simply put in here as my background... anyway, here's the midi and cut mp3,
butterfly kisses midi
butterfly kisses mp3

the story of my life

as of the past few months, i have been ranting non stop about how unfair life is, how cruel and unjust... well, now, here's my story:

after examining myself and have partly found what i have been looking for, i came up with a decision... i must move on, and i will move on! damn, that was really not too hard to decide about, but why just now when i think everything is too late? because now i'm afraid, i finally sensed fear and am actually experiencing it... no sense denying that now... i am afraid... afraid of what? of so many things and particularly, losing another friend... i can't take another fall and i hate the feeling of being alone. especially if it's my best friend who would be leaving me alone... it's hard. i guess best friends are really just not meant to be more than that, huh? well, i figured it out after almost two falls, good thing the second one didn't go straight ahead and hit me straight on... thanks guys, for everything. you know who you guys are, thanks for opening my eyes. anyway, it's really not hard for me now, since i know what people will tell me, what some friends would advice to me... although, maxi, i'm still waiting for you. :D

so, now, i know how life can be so unfair and at the same time, how life can be so sweet... i don't know how it even became sweet for me, basta, yun na yun... don't doubt me for a second... that's the story of my life, a big wheel and it turns almost non stop... oh, it stops, and usually, it stops at the bottom not just for a short time, but a very long spell... sad but true...

find peace

will i ever find peace in my life as of now? life has been harsh on me until this very moment. i still don't know what i really want and i still don't know much about myself and my feelings. i seem to always be in a daze, lost and dreaming. i guess some things are meant to stay as dreams or thoughts... because if you did something, it only makes things worst, right? life is always like that, not only to me but to a lot of people out there too... is there such a thing as teen crisis? im still a teenager after all and well, im having these thoughts about life that middle age people are worrying about... and of course, some stuff are still teenage matters... where to go with my life, where i stand in the community, what i will do with myself and what do i really want... i guess what i really want is something i can never achieve... what bores deep inside me, i will never get... what i want most, more than my own life, i could never get hold of it... i guess there are somethings that's destined... that there is such thing as destiny... that others are right when they say it isn't worth it... that i'm what im fighting for will never come to me, that all my efforts are just wasted... that the one i want doesn't really deserve it... that i deserve something better... maybe that's why everyone tells me to move on, to leave everything behind... to forget all about it...

THAT DAMN SUCKS!!!

i mean, duh?! i hate it... i hate everything! i wish a special moment of my life would just freeze up like that... that i would be able to enjoy it for a long time... that i don't have to worry about good byes or awkwardness... that i deserve something in life... that i can get just one thing that i love... just one... please? but what can i do about it, what can anybody do about it?! nothing... cause there's nothing that can help me get what i want, what i love... it damn hurts! it really hurts... i mean, bakit ba iniisip ng tao na iintayin ko pang masaktan, na yun lang, ang pagsabing hindi talaga pwede hurts me and buries me alive? i mean, i know that they simply just care about me and i shouldn't take anything personally, besides, the other party doesn't even want it... then why do i still continue to give everything? and i know that later on in life i would just fall and crumble into pieces... then why don't i just back out right now, kung kelan kaya pa? maybe i just can't... maybe it's just too late... it's just too late... i have decided and it's rare that i have a final decision... i'm just an unlucky girl... and a lost princess once again...

"kelan ka... " dapat kong sagot, "kung kaya mo nang ibalik ang binibigay ko sayo..."

eng night

still tired from eng night... the excitement and all the fun stuff! hahahah!! :D i really enjoyed my first and probably last eng night... happy 60th anniversary coe of dlsu! anyway, the concert was fun, great bands like, akafellas, mojofly, sugarfree, hale and rivermaya! although we got tired of just standing around there so we sat down on a bench and listened to the concert at a slightly near distance. So, here are some pics we took... not really all about the concert, just us, and the fireworks :D nice fireworks by the way!


akafellas, taken by karlo cortez... can't see anything from our place :P


in front of z2, taken by porman :D


still in front of z2... wacky, taken by porman :D


fireworks during the end of the concert, taken by me! :D

afkhsklfanck

najfbjabnfmasnwjabfjagbjwhicnichsoiefuhnsdknfmnawoiuhanhklfnmabindsfjabjkwirnmanfsghioaz
bvckjsgioefhambwugoifahnknfgjkahguihgamwbrjguaihfmbcjagauhgnmqbqrgaunsbaouisahkwbrjah
goaihsfmbamsbgcuiqyi2hrbnjasbuifghfajbfnaguirfhnqwgbfiuagkjbwhjrgfiuahfjksbfuiagjdjkaguihfbj
kabgwuifajkbwuiyonwkrqvgiyhfoankhfkansc,nzmjsghfuiqhjkfnuiasgfiabjkgfwqhfjkgwahyrjkqhbw98
yioawbruiy26986yroianklwhy98yq2jbfjkasghiwbfrmqjawgfuiaganmwbfuyagkjbfjkagiuwbfjkaguiagb
wnmbfgauifygajbwufoihajbgfagwbrioahkbjkohajkfguiahwmbgfahwfrbguoaywifnkaljhyoaswlkfbakhflna
klhbgoiuhcvnajkwygfuiqwnhjkrfbgauihgwfmbuiagwjrbawjkyfhoanlkwhyroq2y8irhw3qkthoauwflkna
oi2qy489rhglkshy9f8yajkbrkuifaywornbjkgtw78yqo2rbtwhgaoiwhrj2qgtuiayumwrbguiygfrqk2brjkuyg
aoiwbrjkqgwfayuwgkjrnqfgoiawyibrui2ftaijfkgsbuifgyusdhbfrlkueopsukgbvzjhbmsa,jfoivyqjkbwejkyawiw
rnq2lkwaybfvuoiaqnjwlkrfupwj4uir28q684ri34yklhgsd98yhrm23qhwe8g9ya2km4nrtgoisufrjkabsguift
gr2j3hweog9suajwnbgauitjwrbntfgliseugswneoigywq3ikmropt3w9e8gpkmsenkjgfy8sw3hn5rtjkgyes89ehn
5rkltqfuw0jnfgmsdgf78ayq2hk4rbtgo9suj,wsbvihbo3n3trfuigywhrjwbesuifgrw3mbfutyq2olk4rnfoigvsdy3nrt
oigyw95jn2krlqywes09ghq32m,hwtgf9y872qptngslkus09otnwkegsydgoinrtfgh8oiwehntrklgwu9oiwn5m23
rtogiy7290oi5l;tynetaufganagfjakbgwftgakjbwtu7rtaw8ifhajksgw89fyakwbrf87a0pwjntrkmahgwy98fyuqkl2nvoiy7c09fp2j4roifysio2nrfjksy980r1i2;qmgjpsiar/mqliogaye9trj2q3lkwayg90apu2jkrwhfg89esashgfjabuif8yawionfjas7wyfuoanbwufgt8ahnwrmbawyfopajwnklrhfa09uwtrkwqh8gyaponqrkliayg98ahlkhgvo8ahwkfahg89wfyahwkbrauiwtfojwanjkgta89wyuorkn2oiwy7afrqjnm23oitygf890awyrl;khv09hofcjqr3wyrkqwnbasoif7yqaj2mrays980wrujqlhag98e7quopj4rptf70q2jrtw3igy90seojntkghse890yrhkj23qwehg8s9ryu3lmnwtiogy7seikjrkw3fys980eopu5rhnq3iy67wfa90irjkfljdsoiytgiwoejrkiyfeu0s9uj3lkuw90et72u1o956928108itgklhnjs907rk2n3ifw6e79p4ont3goib87e3p;tngjp[8aiwr';jmpogtuwlkhtgsoeyhgtklhw98yh2lktgh90uket'/kpweuit.;wkjep9ytlkw3hyg980hw3kjtg98ey5
kl34hy9t08guw3klthg98dyhrklw3heoturjwqelkshtowuj35thwoieyuoq3wjerhopigyuwelkthjoigkhga8thw
alkthw8yhtkwjh89gyk3h98tygvkheytgknsiogysiotfkwnj3hoigyelkht98wyt5rkbgiuesyl;dmlkuw39pjm;oew
gtoiwh3jkl3ty98wo3htklwy83htrkiwy9ojwl;jeoprjkwheyoigthwkjyt98whhkjlw

OK!

you guys probably think that i went a little over the edge right now, typing random letters and numbers on my keyboard... well, maybe yes and still maybe no... why's that? everytime im in front of any computer, i want to just put my hands on the keyboard and start pressing random keys... though sometimes i form words (look at the one on top if there's any) and sometimes, i just type in some gibberish stuff... that's one way of how i handle stress... hahahha!!! though im not stressed right now... im pretty relax actually and looking forward for the eng week... i just thought that i would share something with you guys, open up my weird hobbies...

1. i like to poke on things... i really do! it's like haptics... i want to feel the tingling sensation at my finger tips... ok... nerdy much! but seriously, i really do enjoy poking on stuff, that's why i love buttons, cellphone and the keyboard!!! specially the clickety sound... :P

2. i adore my baby pillow!!! (let's skip this one out!)

3. i love the smell of a newly scratched match... the one which just underwent friction and have flame already... and the smell that candles give off when it is lighted.

i guess those are a few... the rest? next time! :D

alknfkah8fhqwklbuiahkvcnahsijasklnviohamgfvnahisfnksahfiohakfniahvicknajkhw9i2pnruy

2390fklsamkp0gfu83kflkg7wy3oprnkqhgf90qjkl3br8yqoijfnjg83ytlkbuig8k4tbu8q3y0ri;'lqmwf

l;kyua90iwflm2qk0fia'm[-wg0=q[2lf;lkahgfoinakygf90awkflnao8yfolqnwlk;ghysa-9gl;aqh39urf;almw9pifytf8vhwqengfio8aqy9oprmq;ou0-[ri'mk;ohfroianklgf9ahnklgnha9piwujflnaoihwfoilknaihyfo8inaklhbfp8yqhwjklfioahlfnaoihyfp9oq

wnfkhga9hwnrhga8oywhfmbahoiwyfiawknfiogaoinfklw3qeg908weuro2yt98478923qy50820u5y0182

pornlkqwyfr982yh1tklgfhw8y3hrlk23gt987rquafdlkmnq3cylkhwar98u23qkltbuiwyilk3trnbw3i7rv90u

ij;lgjnqvgov7hroifqwhj3t89vg790porrutoiHNKLEHGOQIBRJFGoinIGOVIHJNWJKEGOIQNWKHY9pjkigroifn

jw3gy[0qkltkbhq39ujrm,2qhb38o0tyu0ovn5oityt243yh5klt2faygfoqnagih9jgtk8uetgfosnoegopalsjfposaklfjopasijksjo

pfipoeiopejrknkjr[kmpriorjnpinrpihrnknhriahrnp;rjporjnaklrhjoiahfnkjag8wfhwlkgh8ixehfnghvp9ghwnkhf8yshfrlhgo83yhf

ri3hgt8fulkegeutgfpojqn3ugtrf9jwskh8gtfyussorhwg8isyogthjao8whvwiwoehgt3805tiewrmyjugvwpjiobtw

ebhgobiwymhrsoihuibvyt8hugieb4y986yt908

Emilia

last nov 1, our family, dad side, went to the Chinese cemetery to visit our "sleeping" relatives. i saw Joyce and Kurstin there respectively... i saw Joyce on the way to visiting my sister's grave. i learned some stuff about my sister... after 18 years i have actually seen where she is resting.

My sister is older than me for almost 4 years. She was born on the 27th day of october 1983. ironic for me when i suddenly realized that our supposed feast day was the same day, october 27. anyway, her name is Emilia L. Aquilino and she died on the same day she was born... in short, she was born dead.

I wonder what life would be like if i still have my older sister with me... maybe i would be much into girly stuff or we both would be so much interested in pretty much the same things that i'm into now. wonder if i would be a totally different person if she was around while i'm growing up or still be the same me... wow, i never thought i would say this but i wish i had an older sister or a younger sister. i mean, a brother is not bad but another girl in the family wouldn't hurt right? but then there's the possibility that if my sister were alive, maybe i would not be here right now... why? because each and everytime dad's friends would ask why he only have two kids, he would say, "one boy and one girl is enough" that's why. but then again, it would have been so much fun during my childhood until today if my older sister is around. of course i also have a lot of cousins who are older than me, but still having someone with exactly the same surname would be a lot of fun. last time, i think my mom or my dad was the one who told me that my sister looked exactly like me... maybe i'm her? gyahahha! like that would ever be possible.

my love for books

Been reading a lot lately... of James Patterson's Alex Cross novels! here's what i have read so far:

1. Along Came a Spider
2. Kiss the Girls
3. Jack & Jill
4. Cat & Mouse
*5. Pop Goes the Weasel
*6. Roses are Red
7. Violets are Blue
*8. Four Blind Mice
9. The Big Bad Wolf
10. London Bridges
11. Mary, Mary

I'm still reading Four Blink Mice though...in the middle of reading it... and guess what, it's the first book i have checked out of the dlsu library! :D gyahahhaha!!! addicted!