the right thing

tell me what i'm doing is wrong... tell me what i'm doing is right...

is it so hard to differentiate the two? it is when you're helplessly a victim of the thing called love. letting go is the best thing to do when the feeling is not mutual right? but then, why is it that the best thing to do is bringing you painful sadness, endless sufferings and unlimited source of confusion? weird isn't it? so, please tell me that what i'm doing is right... or is it wrong? here's one thing, it's such joy to be with someone that you actually feel heaven right then and there... but haven't you thought that it could also be hell for it brings happiness and sadness the next? what is this thing called love anyway? i have posted several entries here over the past months, explaining love, infatuation or obsession... but i really don't get what it is really... it's an abstract thing which different people have different way of looking at it... right?

tell me what i'm doing is right and in fact, the smartest thing that i have done... let go because i know there is never going to be a fruit there and i'm just wasting my time... but also tell me that what i'm doing is probably the most stupid thing that i have done for in fact, i'm running away from something that's there... and i'm not making it an advantage to learn something new, like getting hurt and being rejected. tell me that i'm suffering because of my own doings, that i'm experiencing all these because i didn't listen to my thoughts in the first place... that i'm suffering because of my emotions and because of all the punishments that i have imposed on myself... tell me that punishing one's self is pure stupidity... that i really have a reason to live and no one is worth giving my life up... that no person, even someone who matters most to me is worth dying for...

tell me all these because i can't listen to myself... i can't figure out a way to convince myself that this never ending loneliness is just my thoughts... tell me that i really love him too much to hate him too... tell me to stop all these nonsense and go on with my life... to pretend that this feelings never existed... that all these never happened... to give me amnesia is probably the best thing to do...

i can't take this anymore... i simply care too much to make myself scarce from his life... i simply love him too much to ignore him or resist him... and i'm too stupid to have fallen deeply in love with him...